Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Why this journey often feels ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, ‘scary’ and painful…

I’ve been thinking about why I know I am healing and getting stronger over time…..and yet it often feels ‘bad’, ‘scary’, ‘not okay’ and several other negative emotional states.

I realised, it is because of several reasons;

~ I was taught from a very young age, to feel ‘bad’ about anything good/nice for me. I was taught ‘good’ was only for others. And those deep core beliefs, I still struggle with. 

~ Healing is always about stepping into new territory, which my overprotective PTSD mind signals as danger and scary!  
 ~ This whole journey, means I am having to be vulnerable…..which is way scary!! I have to stand up to people, who can and have rejected, abandoned me…VERY scary to me!
 ~ It is severely painful trauma to process. It is about horrific abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, and abuse from my mother.
~ My hurt inner child, is being ‘allowed’ to feel all her emotions, which is painful. My inner child, is scared, fearful, abandoned.

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Allowing my inner child to hurt, to feel scared and telling her it’s okay, she’s safe now.

I acknowledge my hurt inner child. I know this is a part of who I am due to my horrible childhood.

I know when my inner child is hurting, because I start feeling emotional, hurt, scared, lonely, vulnerable, fragile, needy and lost. I also know this is emotional flashbacks and I am pretty good at knowing when I am having these now.

I know, not to suppress this, but allow it, and also to have gentle, compassionate, self talk.

My inner child, is never going to have her unmet needs, met. She is never going to have a person in her life, who she feels safe enough with – like a child is meant to feel safe with her parents. And I allow myself to feel that and grieve that.

But, it really hurts. It feels like the very core of my being, is in pain. And it is.

The child I was, became the foundation of my entire life, the basis for who I grew into as an adult. Continue reading

1 Comment

My poetry, always evokes emotional reponses & inspires people.

My poetry, like how I always am, is very raw, very real, very honest, very emotional, from my heart and soul.

Whenever I share it, I feel vulnerable, it doesn’t really feel safe, due to the deeply personal depth to it.

But, in sharing it, it strengthens me, whilst letting others know they are now alone, and someone understand the devastation of severe prolonged abuse, of different kinds.

My poetry and writing, also puts into words, what many can’t.

I praise God, for creating me someone able to do this.

These are some responses today, from sharing;

@HealingCPTSD #DV Best poem I have ever read about domestic violence. Can empathize with author feel pain. Everyone should read and share.

You have had a painful past Lilly. No wonder you are so compassionate.

You are so so brave and inspiring I am so sorry that you have to go through so much pain

You do such an amazing job with this page!! Thank you for blessing, supporting and encouraging so many people We love you so much!! Continue reading