Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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Whatever I Do About My Mothers Funeral – Will Be Wrong

My mother has died. I’m aware her funeral is on 30th May.

I had counselling today, and we talked about how numb I feel about hearing my mother has died. And how that numb feeling is normal.

We also discussed whether I should attend the funeral. I know that my siblings – will choose to see whatever I do – as wrong.

If I go to funeral – that will wrong.

If I don’t go to the funeral – that will be wrong.

That’s the problem with dysfunctional families. Whatever the scapegoat does, is always wrong.

I have decided not to go. For my own personal needs, I do not need to attend the funeral.

I would have liked to go – to support my siblings, if our relationship was normal. I only went to their father’s funeral – to support them. I wish them nothing but peace. Continue reading


8 Ways For Complex Trauma Survivors To Build Self Esteem & Self Care ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sad girl 8-001

Complex trauma is ongoing and/or repeated interpersonal trauma/abuse, caused with a captivity environment, where there is no perceived way to escape.

If this is endured within childhood, the child often fails to learn self care, appropriate boundaries and fails to develop a healthy self esteem.

For adults enduring complex trauma e.g. domestic violence- the self esteem and capacity for self care the survivor may have previously had – can be slowly destroyed, reduced and can become almost non existent.

Self esteem and self care are linked. They both lead to an increase in self worth, which complex trauma survivors can have a lack of.

The following is 8 ways a survivor can start to build, or re-build healthy self esteem, self care.

1. Know The Abuse Was Never Deserved

A survivor of complex trauma, often feels the abuse they endured, was in some way their fault. The perpetrators of the abuse often tell the survivor it is their fault, as a way of shifting blame to the victim. And this is another layer of the trauma endured.

It is needed to know – the victim was never at fault, the abuse was never deserved, nothing the victim did or did not do – means they are at fault, in any way.

The responsibility for the abuse was always 100% the perpetrators.

The accountability for the perpetrators actions, lies 100% with the perpetrator.

No-one should be blaming, shaming or shifting shame, about abuse. Including the survivor.

Part of healing is to come to understand this.

2. Self Talk About What A Survivor Does Deserve

Once a survivor fully understands they did not ever deserve to be abused, they can begin to have the self talk needed, as to what they do deserve. And always deserved.

A survivor deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, care, kindness and compassion. And they always did deserve this. The fact that someone abused them, does not in any way mean they deserved to be abused or mistreated.

Developing this positive self talk, takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes times to re-wire belief systems and the way we talk to ourselves.

This is vital, for the healing to begin.

3. Understand Healthy Emotional Boundaries

During complex trauma/ongoing abuse, appropriate boundaries are trampled over, by the perpetrator. This includes emotional and physical boundaries.

If the survivor was abused in childhood, often the child does not learn appropriate and healthy boundaries, as they were never modelled. Learning healthy boundaries, can be a difficult step, but it is possible. Continue reading


My Work Is About New Insight Into Complex Trauma ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I am in the position of being someone who is writing about issues, rarely discussed or written about elsewhere. I write about the many layers and deep impact caused by complex trauma. I write about issues many survivors and mental health professionals – don’t understand and/or cannot verbalise.

Many authors are re-writing work about e.g. abuse, or PTSD. They change the words, but it is still work other people have already shared. The self publishing world has led to an over saturation of work about abuse and trauma.

And I’m not saying there isn’t any merit in that, but my work is insight I have not seen elsewhere. I am describing deep insight into the way complex trauma survivors are impacted, that is rare.

This is why my work was described by a psychologist as ‘an historic milestone’. Continue reading

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Why We Need To Keep Talking About Physical Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I have never been someone to do what’s trendy or popular. I do what I know is needed.

Most abuse conversations now, are about emotional abuse and psychological abuse.

People wrongly go as far as saying they are worse than physical abuse. Yet, physical abuse nearly always occurs with emotional/psychological abuse together. So the victim is enduring several forms of abuse at the same time.

I don’t minimize or invalidate physical abuse.

It is terribly dangerous. Continue reading


My Narcissistic & Dysfunctional In-laws Are Finally Going To Hear The Truth ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My husband comes from a very narcissistic and dysfunctional family. None of them have any insight into that, and they truly believe they are normal and do no wrong. That is far from the truth.

My husband is highly narcissistic, his sister is a drug addict, his parents are selfish to the core and none of them have any conscience, remorse or shame about anything they do to harm others.

This has all been confirmed in counselling.

Fortunately for me and my children, all of my husbands family live the other side of the world. So we only see them when they come for a holiday.

My in-laws are here now, for a 3 week holiday. Today, is the first day we see them.

Due to counselling and confirming my husbands issues, and the way I have been treated by him and his parents, I am no longer tolerating their dysfunction, or narcissism.

Now, I am confronting it. His parents will be told their son is personality disordered, his personality did not form in a healthy way in his childhood and teenage years. They will be told their son is selfish, a pathological liar, an adulterer, emotionally abusive and never learned to own his wrong behaviours and never learned to have remorse or a conscience. And that this has all been confirmed in counselling. And depending on the way the conversations goes, I will also tell them their daughter is a drug addict.

They won’t like this, but that is their issue to deal with.  I am no longer placating toxic people and no longer enabling them. Continue reading

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My Counsellor Confirmed I Am Now A Healthy Empath ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


This week in counselling, my counsellor raised the discussion of me being an empath. She told me she was always concerned about me saying this previously, because I used to take the hurt and harm other people throw my way, and internalize this, which is not healthy.

Now, because my capacity to ignore fake people, trolls, toxic people and harmful people is so much stronger, she is okay with using the term ’empath’ to describe my intrinsic capacity for empathy for others.

I do understand her concern about my lack of boundaries, my lack of ability to deal with toxicity in the past. It certainly has caused me a lot of trauma, stress, anxiety and hurt. But, I have developed the skills needed, to be a healthy empath. I can totally see why she did not want to encourage this ’empath with no boundaries’ in the past. And she was right not to encourage that.

I realise how vital it was, that I develop greater skills and boundaries to protect myself from harm. And she is really happy to see that I no longer internalise other people’s issues. I can stop, step back and realise other people’s issues – are ‘their’ issues and whilst I understand they have issues, I am not their emotional punching bag, to vent their issues onto. And my capacity to discern fake people, narcissistic people and non genuine people, is a gift, that I no longer ignore.

I also know now, I am not responsible for anyone else’s issues, at all. I am not anyone’s therapist, and I am not a door mat for any more harm. I do not react back, and I just put them at a healthy distance, hope they can deal with their issues at some point in their life, and leave them to that. That is ‘their’ journey, not mine.

This truly shows a lot of healing and I am glad to have come to this point. Continue reading