Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Am I grieving? Depressed? Or both?

sadness-2

I am aware there are different forms of grieving I am experiencing, along with different forms of depression.

I don’t think I know the difference between them anymore.

I’m just trying to focus on one day at a time.

And focus on my children.

 

 

 

 


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Crying – listening to a neighbour whack her emotionally distraught young child ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I look forward to the day they make hitting children illegal. Hitting your child is domestic violence. I am glad to see countries making it illegal – as France recently has.

One of my neighbours, was just whacking her child (again) – and I could hear the sound of the hits. Her already distraught child’s crying & sobbing – getting louder with every hit. He was literally screaming in the end.

I sat sobbing listening to it. I desperately wanted to go over there and take the child away from her. Give the child a huge hug and show him some much needed empathy and compassion.

I don’t care whether I am unpopular or not – I will say it – hitting your child is domestic violence.

I don’t care whether people want to label me ‘judgemental’. Yes – I am judging and discerning that hitting a child is not necessary for good parenting, and if you hurt your child by hitting them – then you are a child abuser.

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If that mother was being hit by her partner – she could phone the police and get him arrested for assault and domestic violence. Yet, doing that to her child is ‘legal’. If I phone the police about a child getting hit, they will probably do nothing.

It’s disgusting.

How any parent can say they love their child – and then hurt them to the point they are sobbing and screaming – is disgusting. That is NOT love.   Continue reading


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My real father – is my only hope.

I’ve been watching a program, about people finding their long lost relatives. A middle aged woman, was reunited with her birth father, having never seen him. By his own admission – he was not a good person earlier in his life, but he had turned his life around, was married with 5 adult children. They were both so happy to find each other.

It was such a wonderful story and made me think about my real father.

When I was 25 – I wrote to my aunt who lives near my real father. They lived in a different country – across the other side of the world. (My mother moved with me when I was four. I emigrated back here 12 years ago). I asked my aunt if she knew who my real father was. She wrote back and said she did, but he was married for 35 years and didn’t want to be in contact with me. That was yet another rejection I have endured in my life.

My mother would never speak about him – other than to tell me some no doubt bullshit story about him rejecting her when she got pregnant. She failed to tell me he was a married man – if my aunt is to be believed.

My mother is such a liar – that I don’t believe her story about my father. And I don’t know that I can believe my aunt either. He may not even know I exist.

I will never know whether my birth father is a decent man or not, unless I contact him. Continue reading


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Sixteen Years Of My Life Wasted In This ‘Marriage’

My narcissist husband has finally admitted, he never had any thoughts about my needs during our entire marriage.

I had a conversation with him earlier on how any relationship needs trust, honesty, caring about the other persons needs and knowing that person has your back. And how there has been absolutely none of this from him, in the 16 years I have been with him.

He’s never had my back, he is a compulsive and pathological liar, is 100% narcissistic, only ever cares about his own needs, is manipulative, devious and does whatever he wants to do…… with absolutely no concern or thought for the other person he is harming.

He has finally admitted this is all correct.

And he couldn’t say this wasn’t true – because I have so many examples confirming all this, and he has absolutely no examples to show to the contrary.

His latest devious, manipulative, lying behaviour – is the last straw that has broken this camels back.

I literally have been a camel – carrying all his shit on my shoulders – trying to help him, asking my counsellor to see him, spoon feeding him all the ways he should act, react and behave. I’ve spent many, many hours thinking about his childhood, the poor parenting from his parents, the reasons why he is who he is. And he confirmed everything I have discerned about his life, is correct.

And he’s literally thrown all that effort, concern and trying to help him – in my face, with an emotional middle finger to everything I have tried to do to help him.

And……whilst I have been dealing with all the trauma, pain and suffering I have been through in my life……… I still spent all that time and effort trying to help him. Trying to explain how his life would improve if he changed and stopped being so self absorbed and stopped lying etc…… I tried really hard. And yet he yet he has never spent any time or effort trying to think about what I need.

He’s finally admitted all this is true.

An admitted he will never change.

And I know he won’t. He never comes through with any change in behaviour – no matter whether he says he will.

He really is the epitome of ‘talk is cheap’.

I’ve wasted 16 years of my life with this narcissist. He lied to me about who he really is, all the affairs he had behind his ex-wife’s back, all the compulsive and pathological lying, making out he was a really nice person – as narcissists always do when they are grooming someone. He acted like he was a genuinely nice person and that his first marriage was over and that ‘all his wife’s fault’.

I wouldn’t even know about any of his affairs etc – had I not have found them out from other people – which was after we had our eldest son and I was already trapped. One affair including having sex with his own uncles wife. His aunt. That is a really sick thing to do. If other people hadn’t told me about all this, I would still not know now. And he’s admitted that’s true as well. He’s admitted he doesn’t tell me anything that makes him look bad, and only admits when forced to.

So, I am right to be  aware I only know a fraction of what he has actually done. And when he is found out – he has tantrums – his preferred narcissistic way of dealing with his own appalling behaviour.

I have never seen a single flicker of remorse for any of what he has done.

I have never had any apology for all the manipulating, lying, exploiting and emotional/psychological abuse he has inflicted.

I have never seen any shame, guilt or a flicker of conscience about any of his toxic behaviours.

He literally is like a robot when speaking about it. No emotions, no flicker of empathy – or even sympathy for how this has harmed and affected me. The only emotions he chooses to have, are for himself and his needs.

He truly does not care at all, and feels completely entitled to act how he wants, do what he wants, behave how he wants, to get what he wants……… with no empathy for anyone he harms along the way.

He didn’t like it when I described him as a shady, snake in the grass. He was pissed off at hearing that. He can have emotions for himself. But, absolutely nothing about how this marriage has harmed me, harmed my healing and is the opposite of what I need. He couldn’t care less how it’s harmed me.

He left one family in the past, including his daughter….. when someone ‘better’ came along’. Meaning me. He lied to me and told me his marriage was over. Told me his wife was awful. And how ‘hard done by’ he has been in his marriage. That was all lies.

And yes, I fell for it. And there is a part of me that hates myself for being manipulated and duped be him. But, I am aware he lied about everything – so I didn’t know what he really was. How could I know? I was just someone looking for a decent person. Someone who needed a decent person. Which was how he presented himself. He did all the usual narcissist ‘love bombing’ and acting like I was ‘the love of his life’. And it was all a huge lie. A big shady, devious, manipulative…act.

I’m aware he has no doubt has had affairs behind my back. I know one person where we previously lived – that I had my suspicions about. I do believe he has been unfaithful to me – because he feels no remorse about being unfaithful in his first marriage, or screwing his own aunt. Or any of his other vile behaviours. He has a completely entitled attitude.

And when someone has a narcissist mindset – and no conscience, and no empathy, and no shame…… they will do again. They have no reason to stop.

16 years – I have wasted being with this narcissist, who never cared at all about me in any way. All he ever cared about, was getting his shallow needs met. And he’s admitted that too.   Continue reading


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No matter how confused I am…. this faith stuff is not going away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.

I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.

I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.

I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.

I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.

I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.

I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.

I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.

I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.

I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.

Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?

Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?

I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.

My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.

confusion

But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Continue reading


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The Inner Child -v- Grown Woman Conflict… Rages On ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.

Heartbroken.

Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.

Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.

I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.

Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.

My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.

I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

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To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

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‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart Continue reading