Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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I am becoming the person I am meant to be.

I believe in transformation, ‘becoming’.

Becoming wiser, more mature, working on growth and healing and that taking time.

I am becoming who God wants me to be, not what people demand I should be.

I know this is ongoing transforming, this becoming will continue all my life.

We are never wise enough. We never know enough. We are not God.


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Apparently calling people evil is an ‘acceptable’ label in counselling.

I have come to know that I can call people who have severely abused me, what I want and no-one gets to judge that, not even my counsellor.

I know I can label them, because ‘I’ knew them and what they did and all their traits. I was there, I endured them, I do get to judge them, I get to call them what they are.

My counsellor has had issues with me labelling in the past and I have made it very clear, I will label them, because I need to know what they are to deal with the severe abuse and evil they inflicted on me.

I spoke about how my mother, step father, the paedophile, the psychopath – all willingly, intentionally and knowingly – abused me in horrific ways and I will label that evil.

This apparently was deemed okay. I don’t actually care whether my counsellor approves or not. I don’t need or care about her approval, or judgment.

I was really thankful to read an article from Christians, about the need to identify evil for what it is. And all the traits. That did help validate my understanding, my insight, my knowledge and what I know is true.


I have to deal with my past, whether I want to or not.

I feel like I am being dragged kicking and (quietly) screaming down this path of greater understanding of the depths of the evil committed against me. Continue reading


The Cost of Religious Fundamentalism… The Duggar sex abuse crimes.

Today is a good day, when I read two articles from Christians, willing to call evil and abuse what it is.

Thank you God – for reminding me there are some real Christians out there, with the balls to speak up and speak appropriately.

And reflect my own views and insight.


This is what comes of fundamentalism.

This week in the news, the Duggar family–made popular by their reality show, “19 Kids and Counting”–have been in the spotlight for a sex scandal. Though I seriously doubt they are calling it that, amongst themselves. No, where they come from, this is a youthful indiscretion; a series of inappropriate behaviors; evidence that we are “not a perfect family”… Etc.

But the news that the oldest son, Josh (now 27) repeatedly molested and sexually assaulted his younger sisters (and another unnamed minor) is beyond “inappropriate.” It is a crime. And one for which nobody is going to jail, given the 3 year statute of limitations in the state of Arkansas. (And in many states).

This is what comes of fundamentalism. And this is not about me railing against conservative brands of faith. Conservatism in belief does not always amount to abusive behavior. But when conservative beliefs (the Duggars are part of the Quiverfull movement) manifest in harmful, toxic systems that allow for–and even condone–systemic abuse, then you have fundamentalism. And it comes at a price. Most often, the price is human dignity. And most often, that price is paid by women.

Fundamentalism is how Jim Jones got a tragically large group of people to “drink the Kool-aid.” (I know that is a really derogatory thing to say now, but this is, most literally, where the saying originated). Fundamentalism is how Waco happened. Fundamentalism is how ISIS continues to grow at an alarming rate.

Fundamentalism is why so very many children have horrific stories of being abused by Catholic priests; and fundamentalism is why so few of those priests are in jail (so far).

At the heart of fundamentalism is fear: fear of being cast out for dissent; fear of an authority figure (always a man or group of men); and in many cases, fear of physical harm. This fear is held in place by a power structure that depends, ultimately, on silence.

Deadly, deafening silence.

And that’s why we can now classify the Duggars, and their brand of faith, as not just conservative–but harmfully fundamentalist. Continue reading


Good to see some Christians call evil for what it is, and define the traits.


I am really emotional reading this, as it completely validates everything I have been saying and everything I have seen and know.

by Leslie Vernick

As Christian counselors, pastors and people helpers we often have a hard time discerning between an evil heart and an ordinary sinner who messes up, who isn’t perfect, and full of weakness and sin.

I think one of the reasons we don’t “see” evil is because we find it so difficult to believe that evil individuals actually exist. We can’t imagine someone deceiving us with no conscience, hurting others with no remorse, spinning outrageous fabrications to ruin someone’s reputation, or pretending he or she is spiritually committed yet has no fear of God before his or her eyes.

The Bible clearly tells us that among God’s people there are wolves that wear sheep’s clothing (Jeremiah 23:14; Titus 1:10; Revelations 2:2). It’s true that every human heart is inclined toward sin (Romans 3:23), and that includes evil (Genesis 8:21; James 1:4). We all miss God’ mark of moral perfection. However, most ordinary sinners do not happily indulge evil urges, nor do we feel good about having them. We feel ashamed and guilty, rightly so (Romans 7:19–21). These things are not true of the evil heart.

Below are five indicators that you may be dealing with an evil heart rather than an ordinary sinful heart.  If so, it requires a radically different treatment approach.

1. Evil hearts are experts at creating confusion and contention.

They twist the facts, mislead, lie, avoid taking responsibility, deny reality, make up stories, and withhold information. (Psalms 5:8; 10:7; 58:3; 109:2–5; 140:2; Proverbs 6:13,14; 6:18,19; 12:13; 16:20; 16:27, 28; 30:14; Job 15:35; Jeremiah 18:18; Nehemiah 6:8; Micah 2:1; Matthew 12:34,35; Acts 6:11–13; 2 Peter 3:16)

2. Evil hearts are experts at fooling others with their smooth speech and flattering words.

But if you look at the fruit of their lives or the follow through of their words, you will find no real evidence of godly growth or change. It’s all smoke and mirrors. (Psalms 50:19; 52:2,3; 57:4; 59:7; 101:7; Proverbs 12:5; 26:23–26; 26:28; Job 20:12; Jeremiah 12:6; Matthew 26:59; Acts 6:11–13; Romans 16:17,18; 2 Corinthians 11:13,14; 2 Timothy 3:2–5; 3:13; Titus 1:10,16).

3. Evil hearts crave and demand control, and their highest authority is their own self-reference.

They reject feedback, real accountability, and make up their own rules to live by. They use Scripture to their own advantage but ignore and reject passages that might require self-correction and repentance. (Romans 2:8; Psalms 10; 36:1–4; 50:16–22; 54:5,6; 73:6–9; Proverbs 21:24; Jude 1:8–16).

4. Evil hearts play on the sympathies of good-willed people, often trumping the grace card.

They demand mercy but give none themselves. They demand warmth, forgiveness, and intimacy from those they have harmed with no empathy for the pain they have caused and no real intention of making amends or working hard to rebuild broken trust. (Proverbs 21:10; 1 Peter 2:16; Jude 1:4).

5. Evil hearts have no conscience, no remorse.

They do not struggle against sin or evil—they delight in it—all the while masquerading as someone of noble character. (Proverbs 2:14–15; 10:23; 12:10; 21:27,29; Isaiah 32:6; Romans 1:30; 2 Corinthians 11:13–15)

If you are working with someone who exhibits these characteristics, it’s important that you confront them head on. You must name evil for what it is. The longer you try to reason with them or show mercy towards them, the more you, as the Christian counselor, will become a pawn in his or her game.

They want you to believe that: Continue reading

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Love, does not ‘tolerate’ all.


‘Tolerance’ is pushed in society as being something that needs to be extended to all behaviours and all people.

There is little wisdom, in that sentiment.

Firstly, wisdom is required to know what is to be tolerated, and what should not be tolerated.

There is no virtue in tolerating toxic, harmful behaviour, or toxic, harmful people.

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Two quotes I struggle with, but need to remember. No judgment required.



I am aware I suck at these.

They are advice I give to others…. I shared them today on my page…….because my mind knows they are true……… but I definitely do not feel them all the time.

I am aware there are also very valid reasons why I do struggle with these, and I don’t judge myself anymore for it.

What I feel, is what I feel.

No judgment required.

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Poetry, for trauma survivors, is a deeply personal expression, of words that can often not be spoken.

I write poetry sometimes. I have nearly always has a good reaction when I’ve shared it, but sometimes people choose to criticise, choose to demean it.

Which is simply a reflection of their own issues.

I will keep writing, as I need to for me, and I know it does help others.

poetry writers


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