I have come to understand, everyone has their areas of poor beliefs, poor mental health.

I see this very clearly.

I wanted the Pope to be a wonderful role model for Christianity, and he is in many ways, but he believes in physical abuse to children, and called that ‘beautiful’. And that is the opposite of God. Of course, he will be adamant he is right and I am wrong.

I wanted my counsellor, to be someone who I could always assume had wisdom, and now I see very clearly – that she too supports abusive relationships and calls them ‘adequate’. And has a weird need to always defend abusers, and use words that are hurtful and justifies them. Of course, she will be adamant she is right and I am wrong.

I see people’s ‘stuff’ everywhere, in abundance on social media and it concerns me greatly and I don’t like it. I know I have my own stuff too.

The reason this all bothers me so much, is I hate abuse being condoned and people suffering. But, also because it scares me. Because I have been abused so much. So, I cut people off, and don’t tolerate people’s issues, as some will say I ‘should’.

I would rather be completely alone, than hurt anymore.

I actually like and prefer being alone now.

I would rather have shallow connections with people, than risk getting harmed, lied to, or have other people’s shit projected onto me. I do want to reach out and help people who are suffering, and I do, but I don’t want ‘relationships’ anymore.

And considering all I have been though, I don’t believe this is a bad thing……. it is a self care, protection mode. But I do know, this is my ‘stuff’. I have self insight.

Other people’s stuff, is what I can’t cope with …….. because people are inherently selfish, egotistic beings.

And for whatever reasons there may be………. that is how I get hurt and how I clearly see society is getting hurt.

My healing, is a mircale considering the shit I have endured over the last 3 years….

When I reflect on the facts…

I endured trauma of being abused by a church minister, and then further abused by all his supporters and the church hierarchy, and then further abused by a corrupt internal investigation/investigators…. which meant I was trying to deal with old trauma, whilst dealing with new trauma….

Plus, my husband has a personality disorder, that means I am completely unable to trust him, am not loved by him, and he shows no compassion/empathy etc… which clearly is not conducive to healing….

Plus, I have not had counselling with someone who is specifically trained in trauma/complex trauma/Complex PTSD ……

It truly is a miracle, that I have healed as much as I have over the last 3 years.

And as my first counsellor pointed out, I do most of my own counselling, because I have insight and the deep capacity to think, with honesty.

My healing, despite all I have endured over the last 3 years……… shows the depth of my resilience, the depth of my persistence, the depth of my inner strength and the depth of my spiritual progression and love & relationship with God & Jesus.

Because with all that has been going on in the last 3 years……. I ‘should’ be worse, not healing, you would think.

But, I am healing.

I have the voice telling me, I need to sort things out, with another believer.

I am very cross right now, with someone who I do think is a believer.

We have some very different views on a few things and I have felt very concerned at what I feel is a bizarre way of thinking someone has about abusers and abusive relationships and very unhealthy for me to hear.

And quite frankly I would rather stay well away from that person.

Because anything that is abuse condoning, excusing, using bizarre terms for things that I absolutely do not need to hear…….. scare the shit out of me.

It has really affected me, and I know this person – their ego will believe they are right and of course – I am wrong.

And I have now cut off all contact, because that is how I feel safe.

But, now I have this nagging voice in my head, encouraging me to sort this out. And I do know there are Bible verses about this….. and how you are supposed to sort it out, until there are no issues left……. but that is unlikely to happen……

And I really don’t want to.

I’ve said “God, are friggin’ kidding, really??!!!”.

But, the answer I get, is “Yes”.

So I said “what if it doesn’t work?”

The answer “well you tried & that’s all I expect of you”.

Great :-/

*sigh.

And now I have just read this…….. talking about conflict between believers…..

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/markdroberts/series/gods-guidance-for-christians-in-conflict/

A dear friend sent me this…….. I am chained no more!!

Indeed – I am chained no more, and I refuse to be held in fear by the threats of past abusers.

My children are my priority, so my wellbeing is a priority.

My responsibilities as a mother, to love for and raise my children to be the type of adults I know they can be, is my 1st responsibility.

That is above my husbands issues, and anyone else’s issues.

I now prioritise my wellbeing, because it is *vital* to the wellbeing of my children, and they need me to be strong.

I have no guilt over this anymore.

And as the wonderful Mother Teresa once said, if you want the world to be a more loving place, start by going home and loving your family.

She also said this…..

Disordered people that cause harm, are everywhere, sadly.

Saw this written on a page about narcissistic people, and it is so true… and I’ve seen this recently… and it hurt me badly, as to where this was coming from.

Covertly disguised insults, thinly veiled shame inducing comments…….. they can project them all.

Narcissistic people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.

They drop a bombshell, then withdraw and feign innocence.

Waves of grieving, ebb and flow… and will do for the rest of my life.

Holding out until everyone is in bed, so I can cry, in peace. I am able to control when I grieve, without suppressing my needed emotions.

Grieving is not pleasant.

Especially when you have so much to grieve about and the list keeps getting longer.

And the grieving you are doing, is not understood by others and they don’t realise how painful it is.

I have my entire lifetime to grieve, all the child abuse, an entire childhood of abuse, all the adult abuse, all the abusers – sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, narcissists, all the relationships where I loved people – that are now dead to me, all my lifestyle issues that were as a result of the abuse, harming myself subconsciously, all the good relationships I never had, ending up in bad marriages, ending up married to someone with a personality disorder and knowing I am not loved, and now the loss of my therapy relationship and the issues there.

It’s a lot to grieve.

And it really fucking hurts.

So badly.

And sadly, not one of these people, cares at all. None of them care that I am grieving.

They all just care about themselves.

They never cared about me.