Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I realise now, that joy I need to find, truly is within me….in my inner child healing.

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I made this into a poster quite some time back…..probably over two years ago.

At the time, I viewed this as only being about my faith. Now, I realise even more about this and how true this is for inner child healing too.

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Interestingly, this has been sat on the shelving that has all my inner child healing/girlie stuff.

:-)


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I’m not a people person, and I don’t have to be.

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I have accepted I am not a people person. Not because I don’t like people, or don’t care about them. I just don’t want to interact with most people.

There are those who will say this is wrong. We were created to be interactive with people. Be part of groups. Be social.

Well, I’m not. Good or bad, that is the way it is.

I’m done with interacting with people. Bottom line.

I feel like I have lived 10 lifetimes of dealing with people, mostly bad stuff.

I used to think I would be a counsellor, as I do deeply want abuse survivors, to have good counselling. But, I accept this is not my path. I don’t have what’s needed to interact with people on a daily basis.

I don’t want to be around people. Not because I hate them, or dislike them, or think their differences to me are bad. I just don’t want to interact with people anymore than I absolutely have to.

And there are no ‘rules’ that say I have to.

If I spend the rest of my life, raising my family, working on my own healing, writing, listening to music, feeling safe and content in my home….who can say that is wrong and not okay?

I’m an introvert, a loner and I know this now.

I don’t like society. I don’t like seeing negative stuff I see all the time. It is who I am. And I have fully accepted that.

Maybe it will change. I can’t say it won’t. But right now….I am okay with being me.

Very introverted. Needing to be in my safe place. Doing what makes me feel safe. And blocking out anything that feels unsafe,  all the bullshit society perpetuates, and everyone else’s issues.

I’ve dealt with other people’s issues all my life.

I’m done with it.

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And even on my Facebook page, I have now set a few people to ‘aquaintances’ because I don’t like what they promote and I don’t like their view on life as I see it is very unhealthy. I don’t want to offend them by un-liking them, but I don’t want them seeing my posts and I don’t want to see theirs. So I post now as friends except aquaintances.

My life is easier, when I don’t have to see/read other people’s issues.


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This will be me when I’m old lol! :)

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I’m convinced I will get Alzheimers or something similar when I’m older, due to having had PTSD all my life.

This will be me…..still being inappropriate….causing trouble!


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Labelling…..processing in my mind why and when this is unhealthy…

Society labels people, people label themselves. I see how this issue people have of referring to abused people as victims, survivors, thrivers….leads to more shaming issues.

People often label in a bad way and publicly – ‘Miley Cyrus is a skank’ – on her Facebook page. Cyber bullying.

I don’t go to people’s pages and say negative things about them. I haven’t gone to Mark Driscoll’s page and told him I knew all along he has high level narcissist/sociopath traits and should have never been in ministry.

Sometimes people think they are being positive ‘Steve Jobs is a hero/god to be greatly admired’. No insight into Jobs’ character and assuming him being the ultimate god of consumerism (not good) and not considering all his many negative traits, make him worthy of being admired/a god.

I label.

I label myself – ‘I am a freak/weird’ ‘I was a slut’. Self harming issues I have.

I label people who ‘intentionally’ harm others. People I see with very high narcissism, as narcs. I label men with sexually deviant behaviours who cause devastating pain and trauma to pre-pubescent children – by sexually abusing them – as paedophiles.

I label by their enduring patterns of behaviour. Behaviours that are harmful, abusive and needs to be stopped. Because I have empathy for their future victims.

But, when people label themselves as something negative, I feel empathy and know why they are doing this and I want to let them know they shouldn’t see themselves as that, as it’s self harm. It makes me feel sad.

I want to mother Miley Cyrus and stop everyone hating on her.

I see the hypocrisy in saying ‘well this kind of labelling is okay, but not that labelling’. I don’t like hypocrisy.

I haven’t got my head around it all yet…..but I am processing it.

Having been absolutely adamant labelling is okay and needed and ‘telling’ my counsellor my very strong opinion….

And knowing when you have stamped your feet and adamantly and stubbornly refused to acknowledge something previously, (inner child ego)childpout There is always that element of feeling alittle embarrassed and uncomfortable to have to say…okay I was wrong, and you are right…

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But, also that mature, secure inner part of me, able to self reflect with honesty, always able to accept when I am wrong and be honest and be up front about that, and I am very willing to say I am starting to see how labelling can be very destructive and very harmful.

At the moment I am not ready to think about how to consider my ‘abusers’, ‘the narcs/psychopath/paedophile’ as anything other than that. And regardless of how I label/don’t label them – they still have enduring patterns of highly abusive behaviours that devastate people lives and they unlikely to ever stop. Quite frankly, I don’t want to think about them at all.

But, I know the issue of ‘labelling’ will be an ongoing journey for me, and I know when I am processing something, it won’t stop, it will keep going, no matter how much I try to avoid it.


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Little Miss Bossy….yes, this is me.

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I understand I am bossy.

In my childhood, I had to parent my sisters. I had to care for my mothers needs (parentification abuse).

I had to be a parent…but as a child.

A child should not have to be parent and have that adult responsibility. It is highly abusive.

As a child, I was treated as an adult in far too many ways – emotionally, psychologically, mentally, sexually.

So, my one of inner child’s issues….is being Little Miss Bossy.

That’s okay, I understand why and my bossy stuff is because I want good for people.

:-)


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Music therapy. Music to cope. Music to grieve the past.

Talked in counselling yesterday about ways to deal with the really painful parts of my journey and writing is now one, as this blog attests to and the other is music. In music therapy, clients are encouraged to have play lists of music, for various emotional states.

Music has understood me, when no-one else has. Music has helped me cope my entire life. My music tastes are varied, depending on mood and emotional state.

Over the last 2 years, my main ‘go to’ music to help deal with the pain I have faced about my past, is Lana Del Rey.

Lana deals with depression, aloneness, suicide, men, sex, child abuse, guns, being wild, being vulnerable, seeking safety in people, thrill seeking, needing to be ‘free’, alcohol, not complying with society’s BS, trying to find happiness, but always underlying profound sadness.

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