Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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More dark music that reflects my past, I have been listening to more.

Knowing I don’t just have my childhood to heal, I also have my adolescent self and my self in my 20’s to heal…I have music that represents all of it.

Lana Del Rey and Sia, being my most listened to.

Some may say it is part of my own music therapy.

Sometimes I think it is to simply to indulge those emotions and behaviours through music, I can’t bare to deal with yet any other way. Those self harming, re-enacting, masochistic stuff, I can’t face.

Since all this has come to the surface, I am trying to ‘park it’ as was explained in counselling. For a start, I cannot speak about this at all. So it has to be parked. And I am not strong enough to deal with it.

But, regardless of that….it is there, I can feel it just under the surface and have started to increasingly listen to music again over the last few weeks, that represents that dark need to hurt myself. The inwardly digested abusers, causing me to want to hurt myself, over and over. All the behaviours that came with that.

And worse, the need for it. And the deep shame of that. I realise how messed up I am about this. Deeply messed up.


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23/10/14 I am so thankful my realness & honesty, helps people.

Posts to my page today…


“Your page…What can I say…
I look to it for personal help and guidance all the time. You reflect here what I feel. Your courage to speak, is probably the most refreshing and certainly painful, but raw and honest about ptsd from a sufferers perspective. I thank you! From the bottom of my heart.”

“Love you Lily… It’s because your page is what it is that I chose to stay. It’s not all that airy fairy happiness peace love & mungbeans!
It is real stuff! Thanks for being you!”


It makes me emotional when I see posts like this, because I know how much it is needed to have someone to relate to, someone who ‘gets it’, when going through very severe PTSD and Complex PTSD, following such severe trauma and severe abuse.

Which is only truly understood by those who have endured it and all the suffering and pain, that continues on in life.

*tears.


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Had a great day, even though I bumped into someone from ‘that’ church.

Today is a good day.

No nightmare last night…..so always a better start to my day. Decided I would do some stuff around the house, post on my pages, write a few blogs and then planned to go out. Had some giggles with a few people online, which was nice.

As I headed out, I made a conscious effort while driving, to take in all the beauty around me – the jacaranda trees, all the beautiful flowering trees and plants everywhere, the perfect blue sky, all the stunning palm trees…while singing at the top of my voice. I love to sing in the car.

Went to my new favourite shop which sells all sort of home stuff, and lots of pretty things and it’s cheap, so I’ve already purchased a few fairies and other little things I like.

While wandering around…I bumped into a lady from the church I was abused at. She is a lovely lady and her husband is too. I have always felt they are nice people and never had any issues, or red flags pop up with them. They have always struck me as genuine, kind people. No airs and graces, no judgmental crap, no looking down on others, not cliquey, no abusive behaviours. Continue reading


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I realise now, that joy I need to find, truly is within me….in my inner child healing.

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I made this into a poster quite some time back…..probably over two years ago.

At the time, I viewed this as only being about my faith. Now, I realise even more about this and how true this is for inner child healing too.

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Interestingly, this has been sat on the shelving that has all my inner child healing/girlie stuff.

:-)


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I’m not a people person, and I don’t have to be.

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I have accepted I am not a people person. Not because I don’t like people, or don’t care about them. I just don’t want to interact with most people.

There are those who will say this is wrong. We were created to be interactive with people. Be part of groups. Be social.

Well, I’m not. Good or bad, that is the way it is.

I’m done with interacting with people. Bottom line.

I feel like I have lived 10 lifetimes of dealing with people, mostly bad stuff.

I used to think I would be a counsellor, as I do deeply want abuse survivors, to have good counselling. But, I accept this is not my path. I don’t have what’s needed to interact with people on a daily basis.

I don’t want to be around people. Not because I hate them, or dislike them, or think their differences to me are bad. I just don’t want to interact with people anymore than I absolutely have to.

And there are no ‘rules’ that say I have to.

If I spend the rest of my life, raising my family, working on my own healing, writing, listening to music, feeling safe and content in my home….who can say that is wrong and not okay?

I’m an introvert, a loner and I know this now.

I don’t like society. I don’t like seeing negative stuff I see all the time. It is who I am. And I have fully accepted that.

Maybe it will change. I can’t say it won’t. But right now….I am okay with being me.

Very introverted. Needing to be in my safe place. Doing what makes me feel safe. And blocking out anything that feels unsafe,  all the bullshit society perpetuates, and everyone else’s issues.

I’ve dealt with other people’s issues all my life.

I’m done with it.

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And even on my Facebook page, I have now set a few people to ‘aquaintances’ because I don’t like what they promote and I don’t like their view on life as I see it is very unhealthy. I don’t want to offend them by un-liking them, but I don’t want them seeing my posts and I don’t want to see theirs. So I post now as friends except aquaintances.

My life is easier, when I don’t have to see/read other people’s issues.


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This will be me when I’m old lol! :)

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I’m convinced I will get Alzheimers or something similar when I’m older, due to having had PTSD all my life.

This will be me…..still being inappropriate….causing trouble!

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