Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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A self confessed sociopath, who also claims to be a Christian….has found this blog.

No longer a moth to the flame.

I am aware of the lack of moral decency, empathy, remorse, etc of sociopaths. I am very aware of the manipulation and trolling they can do.

Someone who’s comments I am not approving, who is using a fake name…claims to be a sociopath and a Christian – is responding to my blog posts. He claims “God punishes him for his sins”…so that alone is a red flag for not knowing the God I know, who is pure love. God is not a sociopath.

I have no idea whether this person is safe to approve the comments, I’m not saying 100% isn’t……but I am not absolutely not willing to take the chance.

My wellness and healing, are important and more important than dealing with anymore sociopaths in my life. My needed boundaries and my healing are not worth jeopardising in any way, for someone who’s issues are likely to trigger, upset and bother me.

This little moth is staying well away from flames now.


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Facing evil within the parents who raised you….is the most difficult task of all.

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Abuse is evil. Especially when it is intentional, and obviously so by the lies, the hiding, the crazy making, the denying etc.

I feel for those who are unable to understand the damage their parents caused….because they will never heal….and sadly many go on to repeat the same abuse to their children, which is still abuse and not justifiable.

But, it is still sad.

And this is how generational abuse occurs.

I am so thankful, so be able to stop this, in it’s tracks.


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Consistency in my parenting…….ummmm…

Me this morning…

“No boys you cannot go in the pool later when dad comes home….because of your behaviour”

Dad gets home about 4 hours later…….me to him..

“Please take them in the pool, they are driving me nuts and I need a break!!”.

Well, there’s a big parenting fail and consistency shot to shit!

Parenting and having Complex Post Traumatic Disorder and a lack of sleep……not easy.

I can only do my best.

And that has to be good enough.

mother


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Mars Hill being sold off, in the midst of further allgations against Driscoll….obviously a lot going on then…

Anyone who believes that all the assets of Mars Hill being sold off are not due to considerable necessity probably for reasons we do not yet know….are either very naïve, stupid, or just want to believe what they need to believe.

It is pretty obvious there is a lot still going on.

It is also very obvious to me, with all Driscoll has had to admit to (we don’t know what else he hasn’t been forced to admit to) that he has very high levels of narcissism and sociopathic traits.

He has had no remorse or empathy for all those he has hurt and it is very clear to me, he does not remotely have the heart or soul of a Christian.


The Mars Hill Church is dissolving itself, with 13 remaining campuses of the troubled mega-church becoming “autonomous, self-governed entitles,” in dramatic news posted Friday on the church website by Lead Preaching Pastor Dave Bruskas.

Mars Hill has been a centralized, top-down operation under Lead Pastor Mark Driscoll, who resigned earlier this month after an investigation sustained charges of “sinful” behavior. It has featured video-led teaching distributed to campuses in five states.

No more.

“This means that each of our locations has an opportunity to become a new church, rooted in the best of what Mars Hill has been in the past, and independently run by its own local elders,” Bruskas wrote.

The remaining congregations — Mars Hill closed three of its campuses earlier this month — will have a three-way choice. Each can become an independent, self-governed church.  They can merge with existing churches to form a new congregation. Or they can disband.

Mars Hill pastors in Seattle have recently created a “Gospel-centered and grace-driven” Redemption Church in North Seattle.

Mars Hill is “essentially disbanding” with Bruskas’ announcement, according to Warren Throckmorton, a Pennsylvania college professor who has recorded the mega church’s tribulations for Patheos.

The Bruskas letter outlined a transformation due to be in place by the beginning of 2015. It said:

–”All of Mars Hill’s existing church properties will either be sold or the loans on the individual properties will be assumed by the independent church.”  The lenders, of course, must agree.

–”All central staff will be compensated for their work and then released from their employment.”

–”If any funds remain after the winding down and satisfaction of Mars Hill business affairs, they will be gifted as seed money to the newly independent churches.”

–”The existing Mars Hill Church organization will be dissolved.”

The dissolution comes after an eight-month implosion of the 18-year old mega church, cofounded by Driscoll in a Seattle living room.

Mars Hill was dreaming big dreams last winter, raising $2 million for a planned “Jesus Festival” in August at Marymoor Park and another high profile “Resurgence Conference” with big-name preachers in October. Driscoll was slated to be keynote speaker at the annual Gateway Church Conference at a mega church in Dallas-Fort Worth.

The lead pastor first had to apologize for hiring a marketing firm RealSource Inc. to spike sales of a book “Real Marriage” coauthored with his wife, Grace, and get it onto The New York Times bestseller list.  The church paid for the consultant and bought thousands of copies of the book.

As well, Driscoll pledged to “reset my life” and cease making provocative statements on his Twitter account. Driscoll told the faithful that his “angry young prophet days are over to be replaced by a Bible-teaching spiritual father.”

“I don’t see how I can be both a celebrity and a pastor, and so I am happy to give up the former so that I can focus on the latter,” he said.

The lead pastor could not leave his “angry young” past behind. A growing number of ex-elders charged Driscoll with abusive behavior, with having the church shun ex-pastors and their families, and with creating a structure that precluded meaningful accountability.

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Grieving the family I never had….and never will.

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Unless you are someone who didn’t have any family that were ‘good enough’ as family members and were very abusive…..then you don’t know the pain of grieving the family you never had…and never will.

I have a huge gaping, hole in my soul,

where family were meant to be.

I know this will never be filled…..as I will never have this family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) and I have accepted this very painful understanding.

I don’t feel grieving all the time, but when I do….it swells up as huge waves of dark painful grieving, washing over me with force, knocking me to my knees. Tears and crushing pain in my chest.

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I wonder if I will ever not have these grieving waves.

I know the fear I feel as this occurs, is my inner child….and I try to soothe and comfort myself and her. But, I know her tears have to flow, as with my adult self.

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A post to my page, on learning to let people be who they are….not what I need them to be.

I posted this, as I know this has been a big issue for me, and I want people to know, if they too are searching for family, to fill that big gaping hole where family were meant to be….it will only lead to more heartache.

It is needed, to address the understandable, but selfish aspects of who we are.


In the past, I was always searching for family…..due to my family of origin being so abusive.

So, those profound unmet childhood needs, continued on into adulthood and I wanted people to be the family I never had. Sadly, I have always gravitated towards mostly selfish people and narcissistic people, which is common in complex trauma survivors.

I never found the family I so desperately needed and have been repeatedly upset and felt abandoned by those who couldn’t be who I needed them to be.

Due to this insight, now I don’t search for family, I have boundaries from unhealthy people and I don’t expect people to fulfil my unmet needs, which I now see was very understandable, but very selfish and narcissistic part of me and I fully admit that. Although it didn’t lead to me hurting them….I just hurt myself more, by the inner feelings of repeated abandonment being so painful. All tied up in these self harming issues I have always had, including being drawn to unhealthy people, who will of course, let me down and hurt me.

Now I am letting people be who they are and decide whether who they are, is okay to be in my life….but not based upon whether they are meeting my needs, but based upon their heart and soul.

It has been part of my growth and healing to address all this.

Lilly <3

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Sad music can make you feel better……and here’s why…

I read this today and this is true. Without music to help me cope with my emotions…..I would probably be dead.


When everything is going wrong, there’s nothing like listening to a few melancholy bars of your favorite sad song.

Buy why do we find pleasure in sad music? If the goal is to stay upbeat, why would we ever choose to listen to, say, Adele’s “Someone Like You” over Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”?

The conundrum puzzled two researchers at the Freie Universität Berlin in Germany who set out to explore our affinity for sad songs in a world where entire industries exist to help us eliminate sadness from our lives.

Their study— based on a survey of more than 770 people around the world and published this month in the journal, PLOS ONE — discovered sad music can evoke positive emotions, like peacefulness and tenderness, and offers four distinct rewards for choosing that weepy ballad on your iPod.

“People turn to sad music for comfort, and to deal with bad feelings, but also simply for pleasure,” Liila Taruffi, one of the authors, told TODAY.

“(Sad music has) potential to regulate negative moods and emotions, as well as to provide consolation… In this sense, sad music can play a role in well-being.”

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