I just read this. And it was like being punched in the stomach.
This is all the vital trauma that I have not talked about in counselling.
Christian counselling likes you to focus on ‘understand and feeling compassion for the abuser”. Which quite frankly is bollocks.
I just realised I haven’t done any work in 20 months of counselling on any of the real psychological trauma, including that caused by my mother and step father.
So, its no wonder I am not healing and my PTSD is still severe, having nightmares about my childhood.
When I disclosed child sexual abuse – because I witnessed the paedophile abusing my younger sister, my mother and step father blamed me for her abuse. They told me I should have said earlier and then my sister would never have been hurt. So my sisters abuse, was my fault. They offered no comfort. My mother was angry with me. I was brushed aside. They didn’t care that I had been abused for about 3 years, didn’t even ask me what he had done. Didn’t take my the doctors and didn’t involve the police. Told me to shut up and never tell anyone. I was 12.
I was devastated that it was my fault my sister was hurt.
Every single need as a child who had been sexually abused by a paedophile, was not met.
That is horrendous enough, but then more psychological abuse was heaped on top, and I was made to believe I was to blame for my little sister being abused. I loved my sister. I loved both my sisters. This was a deeply painful place for any 12 year old to be in.
About a year later, I saw my step father, talking with this paedophile, like they were still friends.
By around 13/14, I was in so much pain, I tried to kill myself. I really wanted to die. And then I was labelled a drama queen and attention seeker, a name my sisters still use now.
Even if had been attentions seeking, and being dramatic – I had every fucking right to be. My mother and step father were cruel monsters.
I’m aware this psychological abuse from my sociopath mother and step father, is so much damage, and now I see the affect this had, is massive.
The way any disclosure is dealt with, is critical. And not to just the child, but the adult that child becomes.
And then there is all the abuse from the psychopath that my mother and step father said was all my fault and they gave me no comfort or support about that either. Just cold indifference and blaming me for everything because of all the trouble I caused them.
How am I ever supposed to heal these wounds, when it’s not even discussed in counselling.
Where instead this bullshit about ‘feeling sorry’ for the abusers, seeing their ‘good side’ is what you are told by Christians who have no clue. And I know that’s is not what I need.
I am becoming more aware that I need very specialised expert trauma treatment and I won’t ever be able to afford that. My trauma history is far too severe.
And all this trauma, needs dealing with. And I have no-one to help me with that.
I can distract myself all I like with craft and mindfulness and whatever – that acts as nothing more than a sophisticated distraction – but never heals the wounds.
These wounds are never going to heal. Never going to heal.
Spiralling now into that dark hopelessness. I’m going to be stuck with everything from my past – like a wide open wound that will never heal.
And every invalidation, every hurtful comment, every minimization, every suggestion about feeling sorry for the abusers – is pouring salt into these wide open severe trauma wounds and I have no-one to help me heal these wounds.
I will never get over this.
I want to just die. I can’t do this anymore.