Knowing I don’t just have my childhood to heal, I also have my adolescent self and my self in my 20’s to heal…I have music that represents all of it.
Lana Del Rey and Sia, being my most listened to.
Some may say it is part of my own music therapy.
Sometimes I think it is to simply to indulge those emotions and behaviours through music, I can’t bare to deal with yet any other way. Those self harming, re-enacting, masochistic stuff, I can’t face.
Since all this has come to the surface, I am trying to ‘park it’ as was explained in counselling. For a start, I cannot speak about this at all. So it has to be parked. And I am not strong enough to deal with it.
But, regardless of that….it is there, I can feel it just under the surface and have started to increasingly listen to music again over the last few weeks, that represents that dark need to hurt myself. The inwardly digested abusers, causing me to want to hurt myself, over and over. All the behaviours that came with that.
And worse, the need for it. And the deep shame of that. I realise how messed up I am about this. Deeply messed up.