Love & relate to this song – Feel – Robbie Williams

“Feel”

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand

I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don’t wanna die
But I ain’t keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her

Scare myself to death
That’s why I keep on running
Before I’ve arrived
I can see myself coming
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel
Real love and the love ever after
I can not get enough

I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste Continue reading

One single person, cannot beat a corrupt, twisted religious establishment.

I have accepted this. Not in accepting how corrupt and how psychologically twisted many religious establishments are.

I have researched enough to know, this goes on far too much within churches and religious organisations.

The biggest validation of this is the Royal Commission investigations. Which many mind controlled, sociopathic types within churches, believe is ‘terrible’. I mean, how dare people come in and expose ‘Christians’ for who they really are – liars, abusers, hypocrites and not remotely Godly.

It bothers me greatly, that God is used as an excuse for abuse, lies, narcissism etc.

But, I also accept that I cannot – as one person – beat a system, no matter how much I want to, for the sake of many people getting hurt and future spiritual abuse victims.

I can’t ‘save’ these people from these wolves.

And with a very heavy heart, and pain within me for how much this is so wrong, I accept my part in trying to deal with this, has to be over.

Soul ages/emotional development in adults and where people I know, fit.

This all fascinates me and answers so many questions as to the people I have known in my life. It validates so deeply what I have always known.

Soul ages from http://lonerwolf.com/soul-age/

1. Infant Souls

Primary Focus: Being alive.

Lessons To Learn: Basic life skills, survival, mortality, physicality.

Age Comparison: 0 – 4

Key Characteristics: Raw, untamed, playful, excitable, unsophisticated, tribal, cautious, childlike, group-reliant, hunter-gatherers.

Also known as Newborn Souls, these people are often perceived by others as being ignorant, childish and innocent to the complexities of life. Possessing a very simplistic understanding of life, and a genuinely guileless approach to the world, Newborn Souls find it hard to adapt to ‘civilized society’. Instead, they prefer familiar clans, tribes and groups of people in wild, untamed environments.

2. Baby Souls

Primary Focus: Belonging.
Lessons To Learn: Social structure, rules, roles, human relations.

Age Comparison: 4 – 13

Key Characteristics: Compliant, regimented, dutiful, role-defined, absolutist, proprietous, disciplined, traditional, strong values.

(This is where so many Church people are at and why I find them so immature)

Also known as Child Souls, these people seek to make meaning, order and stability out of the chaotic and uncertain nature of life. Perceived by other people as being clean, modest and rigid, Child Souls tend to be very conservative, religious and rule-bound. The Child Soul’s beliefs and senses of self are defined by their culture and traditional moral or religious system.

3. Young Souls

Primary Focus: Independence.

Lessons To Learn: Personal-advancement, free will, personal-achievement.

Age Comparison: 13 – 29

Key Characteristics: Ambitious, competitive, innovative, material gain, enterprise, freedom, individualism, self-centered, self expression.

(This is where most of the ‘success driven’ people in society are at and I see this is also immature and ego driven)

Also called Teenage Souls, these people often live by the maxim “my way or the highway”. The Teenage Soul, similar to an adolescent, seeks independence, social status and material gain. Essentially, these people are agents of change and are responsible for many of the greatest advancements in the world. Driven and externally focused, Teenage Souls tend to be “workaholics”.
Continue reading

Emotional maturity progression.

This all explains a lot to me, and I see how it ties in with the stages of faith too.

It further validates how I have continually felt like I am surrounded my immaturity.

Being an old soul and one with deep empathy, is not easy.

But, now I understand more of who I am and how most won’t understand who I am, and all my ‘quirks’ that are actually about my maturity and wisdom level of the old soul in me, I am starting to accept myself far more.

I am really angry and I have a right to be. It is righteous anger.

I was abused by an associate church pastor. I did what was needed and told others, others who needed to know.

The only reason a formal investigation occurred, was because I had the guts to post the truth on this blog. My doctor didn’t believe this was the right thing to do at the time and made that very obvious, but it was what led to the formal complaint. So, I know it was the right and needed choice to force an outcome required.

A mediation occurred, where it became even more obvious to me, the narcissism of this man and his wife, who were only concerned about their image and narc rage clearly on display from the pastor and tears only for herself from the wife.

That led to a formal complaint. The formal complaint went ahead and dragged on for months. I told the three investigators the pastor was a liar, a narcissist, an abuser. I invited all these people into this situation to deal with it appropriately.

All the while, my anxiety and stress was massive, but I did it all anyway, because it was needed. I couldn’t walk away from it and ignore the abuse and the narcissism, which I knew would hurt more people. I knew the truth had to be spoken, no matter how much suffering, it caused me.

These people involved in dealing with all this, all consider themselves intelligent, mature and mature Christians. All will claim to know far more of the Bible than I do. Three of them know about psychology.

Yet they failed to listen to me, failed to understand the seriousness of what I was telling them. And they all collectively failed to deal with this situation appropriately.

That pastor had/has no remorse, no ownership of what he did, no conscience, no repentance. He lied, manipulated, projected, minimized and abused me further. Continue reading

Music is my huge escape. Music speaks the truth.

Music has always been a huge need in my life to cope.

I need music every day.

Music helps me block out all the crap that exists in this world.

A world I do not feel connected to in any way any more. And this disconnect is increasing.

I feel like I am floating above society, looking down thinking ‘really?!’.

I can’t handle this life any more and now I just disconnecting and withdrawing from it all the more.

Existential Crisis.

I think I am having this. Apparently old souls go through this. Maybe that’s what it is.

I have been sat thinking about what is the point of life. I know faith wise, it is to have a true relationship with Jesus. But after that, what is there?

I hate much of what I see in this world. I can’t be one of those people who can ignore all the bad and focus on the good. I’ve seen and felt too much bad myself and know the deep suffering it causes, and have too much empathy for others, to just ignore it. To make my life nice and comfortable.

I don’t have that ability to shut out all the bad.

I don’t know if this makes me a really bad Christian, or a really good one right now.

I’m not God. I don’t see the point of this world existing with all the suffering, all the abuse, all the harm, violence and pain that goes on.

I don’t see the point of a world where evil exists and humans choose it. And worse, so called ‘Christians’ choose it.

I know there is the hope of what is to come, but why all this suffering first? Am I a bad person to desperately not want all this evil and suffering to be occurring? Continue reading

All the abuse I have ever been through has been ignored, condoned, minimized, justified by others.

None of the abuse I have been through has ever been dealt with in a way that is appropriate.

I have never had anyone stand up for me and be truly on my side and help me in a non selfish way.

It is true, that people are out for themselves and not one situation of abuse has been dealt with appropriately, or in a way that validates what I have been through, or to help me gain justice, or to help stop others get abused.

Every single day of the decades of abuse and suffering I have been through has been ignored, or minimized, or excused, or invalidated and caused me more abuse, more suffering.

No-one has ever been there for me. People claim to be. But they aren’t. Their action show far more than their words.

I’ve always been on my own. Painfully alone, while people hurt me, make me suffer and no-one has ever cared.

And to make life even more cruel, I have severe PTSD, which makes me have to endure it over and over.

I’m on my own. Always have been.

Always will.

Overwhelmed at how much harm goes on in this world. I hate it.

Just when I think I have seen enough harm and abuse in this world, more happens and I feel just as shocked, just as outraged and then as always that is inwardly processed into deep pain within me.

Humanity disgusts me on the whole.

People are inherently selfish, self serving, weak, dishonest and shallow and have no concept of their issues.

I hate it.

I hate the harm it causes.

I hate the lies.

I hate the abuse.

I hate the harm.

I hate the lack of conscience.

I hate the lack of remorse.

I hate the lack of empathy.

I hate the entitlement people have to harm others. Continue reading

Just found out that Pastor Andrew Allinson has been promoted to Singleton Baptist church.

http://singletonbaptist.org.au/

I can’t even begin to explain how wrong and disgusting this is.

No doubt that church have no idea of what has occurred to me and all the abuse, lies and spiritual abuse.

It makes me sick to think about him being in charge of a church.

Taking advice on what to do now.

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