I wanted to step out in front of the bus.

I have just done the school pick up run.

Whilst waiting in between two cars, to cross the road, a bus was coming and I had a real need to want to just step out in front of it, which would be the end. I could feel myself start to move forward and my leg go to move to step out. I don’t really know what stopped me. I was feeling pretty numb, so it wasn’t fear, or emotions.

It would be so easy to end all this pain and suffering I feel.

It takes just a split second, and it could all be over.

Now I’m home and I don’t even know I feel about it.

I don’t feel anything.

Accepting PTSD

Originally posted on Beauty Within Chaos:

In the whole chaos that is my life, and the recent break up with my bf/fiance that lasted a total of 29 months. My second longest relationship. Well in light of everything going on I have been crying mostly at night and in my sleep. I hold a strong mask when I need too, I don’t let others see me cry and its gotten so bad that when people fight with me that I just detach myself from the situation because its easiest for me and safer. I learned that with my PTSD that I tend to avoid things because I feel that its easier and better for my sanity. I am learning with therapy about the PTSD that I am dealing with and realizing that I have a major dose of it.

“Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing, avoidance, numbing and arousal”
Re-experiencing symptoms are often involving mental replay of the…

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What’s Trauma Bonding, is it linked to child abuse, complex PTSD and Stockholm syndrome?

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD:

Great blog post, well worth reading.

Originally posted on Trauma and Dissociation Project:

Traumatic bonding

Traumatic bonding is shown when abused children cling tenaciously to the parents who hurt them, and victims of domestic violence repeatedly return to their abusive partner.[5] Perpetrators of sexual abuse may manipulate trauma bonds further by giving their victim the only sense of specialness, or being loved, that they have ever had.[5]

When a person is subjected to coercive control there are profound alterations in the victim’s identity. All the structures of the self−the image of the body, the internalized images of others, and the values and ideals that lend a sense of coherence and purpose−are invaded and systematically broken down. [1]Coercive Control – Stockholm Syndrome

Favaro and colleagues (2000) found that PTSD and Stockholm syndrome both reflect the severity of the hostages’ experience, with Stockholm syndrome is predicted by the number of humiliating experiences and the level of deprivation experienced and PTSD being…

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Was the last 5 years, all just to cut the wounds deeper?

This just came to my mind and I am now having a major increase in anxiety, so I’m breathing and trying to stop an anxiety attack.

I’ve endured a lot at the hands of so called ‘Christians’ and for what? To be abused, not be believed, have it all minimized, go through the hell of exposing it, a formal report, and for what?

It was all for nothing, except more abuse, more harm, to cut the wounds deeper.

Just adding spiritual abuse to my trauma history.

To form more attachments to people who I wanted to trust, cared about, who would hurt me and then get left to deal with it alone.

Struggling to breathe now.

I’m starting to wonder if I need to move away from ‘Christian’ counselling…

The last few years have revealed so much to me about how screwed up most Christians are about abuse and how to deal with it, and I see this is more of a problem than outside of Christianity.

So much abuse minimizing, abuse condoning, so much ignoring abuse, so much abuser protecting. And it bothers me greatly.

And a certain situation recently has 100% proven to me the effects of messed up Christian views and how this leads to evil occurring and continuing.

And to be very frank – I am really pissed off and angry about all this. And it really hurts me and feel like I am being re-traumatised repeatedly.

Even the blasé attitude of those who are meant to be supporting me, hurts me.

So, the question lingering in my mind, is why I am continuing to endure this?

Why labelling abusers due to their behaviour IS needed.

‘Society wants to avoid labels; however, avoiding the truth also prevents “bullies” from diagnoses, treatment, & change.’

I agree with this.

This was posted to me on Twitter, in response to me saying – calling abuse ‘bullying’ minimizes the severity and harm of abuse caused to the victims.

Labelling behaviour – is needed.

If someone has narcissistic behaviour, then they are a narcissist because their whole life will be dictated by this personality disorder. They need to know this.

My doctor disagrees with labelling and I disagree with her completely. Because I see the bigger picture.

Not labelling people’s behaviour, leads to more abuse occurring.

And abuse IS increasing and that is not okay by me.

I am thinking of future victims of abuse, not just the emotions of the abusers. Continue reading

No, I don’t want paedophiles, rapists, sex offenders etc, to be beaten up, abused back.

I spend a lot of time analysing my thoughts. Because, I never want them to be irrational, unreasonable, or affected by my past severe trauma history.

I have strong views on society and Christianity doing so much harm by ‘perpetrator protecting’, as I clearly see it does. And I see clearly how this enables and encourages abuse to keep increasing. I don’t like this and I know it is wrong. And I see so many of the reasons why this occurs and none of it is wisdom.

Some people I disagree with about their views, will have the reasons why they believe I am wrong. But, I do not have an unreasonable view of how abusive people should be treated.

I read an article about paedophiles being beaten up in prison. My immediate reaction was to feel how wrong this is. The thought of any ‘human being’, being beaten up physically like this, makes me sad. Now this would apply to anyone. Including about my own abusers.

I don’t believe in abusing people back, or repaying evil with evil. To me, that makes everyone as bad as each other. And I’ve never believed in this being okay. Continue reading

I’ve always been prepared to die. Sia – Straight For The Knife

I can’t hear this song without feeling highly emotional.

Very powerful song, that only someone who knows suffering, knows fear, being vulnerable, being in deeply painful relationships and suicidal thoughts, will understand.

And I know Sia is very open about being suicidal in the past.

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