During my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic domestic violence perpetrator, I endured sexual abuse and rape. Not of the kind of rape most people think of – the stranger who attacks a woman and violently rapes her. The sexual abuse I endured, was the kind many women don’t even realise is sexual abuse.
Being the survivor of child sexual abuse and sexual abuse as a teenager – I was the perfect target for sexual abuse as an adult. I had no boundaries and no self esteem.
My ex-husband, is a highly narcissistic, sociopathic abuser. He’s malicious, likes seeing people hurt and in distress – including children. He’s obsessed with sex and will do anything to get it. He’s been unfaithful in both his marriages, including having sex with his uncle’s wife. And he has zero remorse, guilt or shame about any of this or the abuse he inflicts. He likes to look at women breastfeeding. He gets aroused by seeing pregnant women with their breasts showing. He’s a pervert.
His childhood was one where they were very dysfunctional, raised by a narcissistic mother and a narcissistic/co-dependent father.
My ex’s mother is a highly manipulative woman, very jealous of other women, to the point where she only has relationships with her sisters that have less money and live in poor areas. She can’t bear to have relatives in her life that have better homes and better incomes. Whenever she speaks of her siblings with better lives – there’s a snarl on her face. (The same facial expression my ex used when I stated he should treat me better. Pure disgust).
Listening to her ‘stories’ it’s clear she pretended to be pregnant to trap her then boyfriend into marriage, that resulted in a ‘miscarriage’. Then she had 3 children in quick succession, to fully trap her husband.
She alienated her husband’s family and drove a wedge between her husband and his siblings. She isolated him to keep him her victim. Something her son then did to me. Isolation is a common practice with narcissists.
Her way of describing other women are as ‘a piece’. As in ‘look at that piece over there’. She didn’t see women as human beings. She saw them as objects to mock and scorn. She once said to me “look at the figure on that”. Clear facial expressions of jealousy as the woman was very slim and well dressed. Where she is very overweight and too lazy to exercise. She never speaks in positive terms about women, unless there is some self serving needs being met by that woman.
Her husband, joined in with describing women in degrading terms. And the whole family speaks in misogynistic terms.
She also made her husband feel badly, for not having a high paying job. She feels she should have had a better life given to her (entitlement). Like all the women have that she is jealous of. Her children grew to be jealous and envious people too.
My ex is their eldest son. He is the ‘golden child’. The typical child who could do no wrong and turned into a highly narcissistic adult. Read here about the golden child.
I asked once, if they were okay with him causing harm to others, and his father’s response was “as long as he’s good to us, we don’t care what he does to others”. It showed very clearly they had never parented in a way that modeled or spoke of treating others well.
My ex lauded this ‘golden child’ status over his siblings. He reveled in it. His sister once told me he “could do no wrong” in the eyes of their parents. Despite the fact that they knew he had sex several times with his own uncle’s wife and caused huge family issues as a result.
There are many other issues his parents had – like stealing from work, his mother having to have everything done for her, including his father leaving work every day to take her to work and pick her up. His father lying about where he was. Decades of this. Highly co-dependent. Plus all laughing at seeing kids and people hurt etc, and alot more, but too much to state here.
My ex was raised with zero good moral standards, with no actual genuine love and he was encouraged to feel he is better than others, to manipulate others, to lie frequently and to have zero empathy capacity.
Another huge issue that led to his sexual abuser behaviour, was the porn he was allowed as a teenager, coupled with being raised to see women in a negative and objectified manner. In the UK, page 3 of the local newspapers had topless women. He had these pictures on his walls. He also had Sky porn channels, in his bedroom. Read here & here about the effects of porn on the growing brain and psyche.
When raised in misogyny, men often become misogynists.
There was no modeling of good behaviour, or treating women with dignity and respect.
He was also raised to be entitled and to not have remorse. And that lies are perfectly acceptable.
He lied to me from day one of our relationship. I’ve had many conversations with his ex wife and I’m aware of the lies about her being a bad mother and a crappy person. He manipulated me with sob stories and absolute lies.
I believed all the lies at the beginning of our relationship and it was a year or so into it, that I realised he was not honest and not a decent person. By then I was already pregnant.
The sexual abuse began slowly, but in a very manipulative and coercive manner.
It started with guilt tripping. I didn’t want sex with him and that I know now that was a very healthy feeling. He used that to make me feel guilty. I was a bad wife. I trapped him with great sex and then took it away from him – was how his twisted mind saw it.
He also used alcohol to get me drunk.
He created terrible atmosphere’s and environments because he wasn’t getting what he wanted. I would often give in just to ‘keep the peace’. So he did it more.
During sex he would get very angry if I wanted to stop before he had finished.
This is all abuse. It’s rape. I know that now. I didn’t know it then. Consent is something very much in a the media – and it’s needs to be. Many women are experiencing harassment for sex and all types of manipulation tactics to get sex. See here about consent.
Read here for another blog I wrote about the sexual abuse I endured.
And he did all this knowing I was a child sexual abuse survivor. That’s a special kind of evil.
He didn’t once ask me about my past. Or about my childhood. Never asked me if I wanted to talk about any of the abuse. Never said he would be there for me if I needed to talk. He in fact used my past as a way to victimize me more. With zero remorse.
All he cared about was himself and getting his animal needs met. And I say animal needs, because there was no love at all.
He agreed once that he has no empathy. He stated the only way he knows how to show love is sex. But, it’s not love at all. It’s pure selfish intent and selfish needs being fulfilled and pure anger if those needs are not met.
My ex is a rapist. He is a sex offender. He is a pervert. He should be in prison. Worse, he’s a police officer attending domestic violence and rape jobs. Despite me successfully obtaining a domestic violence order for stalking and threatening me with a knife and other reasons, – he is allowed to still be a police officer. God help every woman reporting domestic violence or sexual abuse that he deals with.
Some people will use his childhood as an excuse for his behaviours in adulthood. That is not okay. And it’s worth noting – he was told all the reasons for his behaviours being wrong a few years ago. He hasn’t changed and went on the abuse me more, through legal abuse and post separation abuse. The only thing narcissists change – are victims.
As an adult, he 100% responsible for his behaviours. His childhood may be a reason he became a narc and rapist, but it’s not an excuse. Period.
I’m aware there are people who will read this and say lots of men watched porn as a teenager and are not rapists. And maybe there are many who watched porn and still treat women with dignity and respect, but there will be many who are misogynistic. If that is coupled with being raised by misogynistic narcissistic parents – the likelihood of the children being raised being appropriate with women – is much lower.
It is my hope that women reading this, who are being sexually abused- but don’t realise it – will understand this is not okay, not to be tolerated and to seek legal advice and counselling where necessary.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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