My Stepfather Was Part Of A Sex Offender/Pedophile Ring ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My mother married my stepfather when I was 6. I remember always being very uneasy around him. I never felt safe. Even at around 8 years old – I used to hang a chime on my bedroom door handle, so I would wake up if someone came in my room.

They went on to have 2 children, one 7 years younger than me, one 10 years younger than me. I loved them like they were my own children and cared for them often more than our mother.

My stepfather made a lot of inappropriate comments about my body as a child and teenager. He would often walk in the bathroom while I was showering. We weren’t allowed to lock the door. He told me I should walk around the house in my underwear, because it was no different to swim wear. I knew this was wrong but couldn’t explain why. Now I know – underwear has a sexual connection to it.

As a young teenager, he would make very inappropriate comments about my friends’ bodies and comments such as ‘how’s your love life’. It was incredibly embarrassing, and one friend refused to come to my home because of him. She said her parent’s banned her from coming to my house. It was mortifying.

He used to take baths with my 2-year-old sister. (Maybe she was 3 – I’m not entirely sure of the age). He commented once that she used his penis to lift herself out of the bath. My mother laughed. My mother witnessed all of his behaviors and laughed. This is child sexual abuse. I was told in counseling this is extremely abusive and there was no doubt more abuse than I actually knew about, as I was only 12 or 13 at that time.

His friends were equally disturbing.

My Book Is Here!! ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am so excited to announce my book is here and it has been many years of hard work, healing and writing to get to this point.

Available to purchase here https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com

I am so thrilled to have a wonderful review from the Best Selling Author Shannon Thomas LCSW – author of Healing from Hidden Abuse & Healing from Hidden Abuse.

I am so delighted to finally have this book available for anyone who may find it useful.

This book contains a wealth of information about my healing journey, including ways to manage symptoms, trauma processing, self-help strategies, information and articles I’ve written about trauma, abuse, healing, how to learn to trust, develop self-esteem and lots more! It’s an accumulation of 12 years of my work and extensive healing and I truly hope it will help survivors and mental health professionals.

It’s available via my website as a PDF book and you receive an immediate download, with no shipping fees.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

It’s Not ‘Reactive Abuse’, It’s ‘Reactive Defense’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Throughout my work online and in my own counseling, I’ve considered the issue of abuse survivors reacting back to their abusers, being deemed by many as abuse. It’s not abuse. It’s not ‘mutual abuse’, or whatever other victim blaming terms people want to use.

When being abused, it’s only natural that at some point – the victim may react back. This can be verbally or physically. But this is a defense. This is not abuse. This reaction would not occur, if the victim wasn’t being subjected to abuse.

If baffles me that people do believe that the behaviour of the victim needs to be seen to be ‘perfect’ at all times. The behaviours and actions of victims prior to the abuse, during the abuse and after the abuse, is often scrutinized, criticized and used against the victim in a negative way. It’s often used to blame the victim. It’s often used to shame the victim. It’s often used to minimize the abuse perpetrated by the actual abuser.

Complex Trauma & The Impact On The Vagus Nerve ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Several years ago, after passing out and breaking bones in my hand, I was diagnosed with Vasovagal Syncope caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence and trauma. Prior to that, I had also been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The vasovagal syncope, caused me to have repeated dizziness, going unconscious and physical injury, as a result. It also causes fatigue, sleep issues and this all exacerbates my PTSD symptoms. It’s something I am still dealing with on a daily basis.

After a lot of hospital tests, to check my heart, my brain, blood flow etc, vasovagal syncope, plus doing a ’tilt-table’ test – where I went unconscious, I was diagnosed with neurocardiogenic syncope/vasovagal syncope. Due to my 18-year history of domestic violence, including psychological abuse, coercive control and sexual abuse, the specialist stated I needed to reduce the stress in my life and be very careful with my dizziness issues, as this could lead to further blackouts and more physical injuries. At that time, however, I was then being further abused by my ex-husband, regarding the domestic violence protection order I sought and enduring post separation abuse – legal abuse and financial abuse, which continues now to this present date. So avoiding stress is difficult.

Unfortunately, my ex doesn’t want his children to have the happiest and healthiest mum possible, he wants them to have a traumatized, unhealthy mum, even though that impacts them. Very typical of toxic abusive domestic violence perpetrators.

Lawyers Don’t Always Have The Appropriate Understanding, When Dealing With Abusive Men ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Throughout the trauma of my marriage separation, seeking a domestic violence order, divorce etc, lawyers were involved.

Lawyers have their opinions, usually based on their own life experiences and their need to believe their clients and their desire to make a lot of money.

The Raising Of A Rapist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

During my 20 year marriage to a narcissistic domestic violence perpetrator, I endured sexual abuse and rape. Not of the kind of rape most people think of – the stranger who attacks a woman and violently rapes her. The sexual abuse I endured, was the kind many women don’t even realise is sexual abuse.

Being the survivor of child sexual abuse and sexual abuse as a teenager – I was the perfect target for sexual abuse as an adult. I had no boundaries and no self esteem.

Depp v Heard: Post Separation Abuse, Legal Abuse & Cruelty To Domestic Violence Victims ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have been aware for some years now, as to how few people can (or choose not to) discern narcissism, abuse, domestic violence and toxic behaviours.

The Johnny Depp / Amber Heard court case in 2022, however, has even shocked me – as to how few people will discern narcissistic abusers and domestic violence perpetrators and their tactics.

It’s been an eye opener for me, that even some of those who claim to be advocates for domestic violence victims and even domestic violence survivors, are supporting Depp. Something I find extremely alarming.

Don Hennessey – Domestic Violence Expert – Validates All My Own Insight ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I came across an article written about Don Hennessey and his insight and work in domestic violence and it resonated with me immediately.

Don Hennessey is the Director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention Agency and has decades of experience and research into domestic violence perpetrators and victims/targets.

His insight it truly amazing and his compassion for victims is beautiful.

This is the article I read:

www.independent.ie/au/irish-news/men-who-abuse-women-use-the-same-tactics-as-pedophiles-and-ive-never-met-one-who-wanted-to-change-says-author-of-how-he-gets-in-her-head

After reading this article, which makes it clear that male domestic violence perpetrators intentionally abuse and groom, and the abuse is a ‘lifestyle choice’ – I chose to download his book – How He Gets into Her Head : The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser

Every page validates what I already know. Every page validates my insight, knowledge and experience of domestic violence.

Don’s compassion for the victims – who he states are “kind, giving women”, is so important to hear – particularly from a man and a man who is highly educated and experienced in working with perpetrators and victims.

He ‘gets’ it.

He gets the intentional nature of the abuse. He gets it is a choice they make. He gets it’s not ‘subconscious’ behaviour. He gets the intentional grooming process and how they use the same grooming tactics as paedophiles. He gets the psychological abuse that always occurs. He gets that they are ‘con men’. He gets how wrong victim blaming is and he makes it clear – the women targets/victims are not in any way to blame for the abuse. 

I also watched this video and you can feel the compassion and gentle nature he has.

 

It’s always such a relief when my own insight is validated, by those who are experts in the field and have considerable education and experience in the field.

How My Ex Used Gaslighting To Sexually Abuse Me For Over 10 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse – where the perpetrator is twisting the reality of the victim’s situation, to cause them confusion, make them doubt themselves, doubt their perception of what is occurring, make them feel like they are going crazy, wear them down and continue to abuse them.

Gaslighting is very common with psychological abusers. My ex is a psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuser. He’s also highly narcissistic and sociopathic.

For a large proportion of our marriage, he sexually abused me. He bullied, harassed, coerced and abused me into unwanted sex. It was very clear to him that I did not want to have sex with him, because he frequently complained and got angry about the lack of sex. He created a terrible situation where my life was made far worse, if I did not give in to his demands. If I stopped him, pushed him off during the sexual assault, he would get very angry. He was relentless. Callous.

He abused me from day one, with continual lies, acting like he cared, manipulation and toxic selfishness. This chronic abuse, resulting in me no longer wanting any sexual contact with him. Which I had every right to not want. No-one is obligated to provide sex, and especially not when they are being abused. And no-one is owed sex, particularly when they are relentlessly abusing that person.

During this sexual abuse, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem. How dare I not want sex with him! How dare I refuse him! What a terrible person ‘I’ was. He even acted like he was ‘the victim’, in me not giving him what he wanted. His attitude was that he was given all this great sex at the beginning of our relationship (which was only due to all his lies) and then I ‘took that sex away from him’. So it was all my fault – in his twisted warped mind. He refused to consider his terrible actions and abusive choices had brought on this need in me to keep him away from my body. He never considered that was my right. He never considered he was responsible. He never took accountability. He never considered the coercion and bullying to be wrong. All of these being common traits and behaviours of narcissism and sociopathy.

What was even worse, was he referred to the sexual abuse he coerced me into, that caused me physical and emotional pain and disgust – as ‘making love’. He considers coercing a child sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex, manipulating me, plying me with alcohol, bullying me, harassing me relentlessly into rape – as ‘making love’.

It wasn’t making love at all. It was vile heinous abuse. Just because he enjoyed raping me, somehow in his perverted mind – still classified as a form of love. Or at least that’s what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to know ‘he’ was enjoying it.

Sick.

And a lot of sex abusers that abuse in relationships, believe the sexual assaults and rape – are ‘love’. Paedophiles also often choose to believe this about the sexual abuse to children.

The mind of a sex offender is a vile, dark place.

Calling rape/sexual abuse ‘making love’ – was gaslighting the ongoing abuse, into something completely different to what the reality actually was.

Nuggets Of Healing Posts From June 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The moment I realised it was never my job or responsibility to stop an abuser being abusive – was a significant step in healing.
It was never my job to be a peacekeeper with a toxic abuser.
It was never my job to try to get an abuser to develop a conscience.
It was never my job to help an abuser learn empathy and kindness.
It was never my job to teach a grown adult decent behaviour.
It was never my job to accept non genuine apologies, or ignore the lack of remorse.
It was never my job to parent in a way that made up for the toxic parents’ abuse and poor role modelling.
It was never my job to walk on egg shells continually to reduce the abuser’s anger and moods.
It was never my job to make excuses for an abuser.
My job as a woman is to refuse to tolerate abuse, disrespect and callous behaviour by anyone, including abusive men.
My job as a human being is to know and only tolerate being loved, respected and treated with dignity and kindness.
My job as a mother is to teach my sons that abusing women and children is never okay, should never be justified and what love in a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and to tolerate nothing less.
I am not, was not, and will not ever be responsible for an abuser.
Period.

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With toxic abusers, like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – the survivor may feel like it’s unfair that they often don’t get any consequences for their choices to abuse people.

I don’t care whether they get consequences or not, because I know the toxic abuser will never be happy, never be fulfilled, never know what love is and never have healthy and genuine relationships.

The toxic abuser will always be shallow, empty, callous and alone….. no matter their situation.

Their punishment and consequences are who they are and who they choose to be.

Whereas, the survivor can go on to have everything the toxic abuser will never have. Real relationships, love, genuine connection, fulfilment, happiness and joy.

And knowing all this, is enough for me.

I don’t need to wish bad consequences for the toxic abuser – they’re already creating that for themselves.

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Thinking about toxic people who choose to cause terrible suffering on a ongoing basis… as heinous, vile, disgusting, evil etc….
Are very normal and healthy reactions and thought processes.
Is not a mental illness issue like ‘splitting’ or black and white distorted thinking.
It’s not a pathological response.
It’s not a lack of compassion for the abuser.
It’s completely normal to be disgusted.
You do not have to see ‘the good’ in an abuser.
You do not have to make excuses for an abuser.
It’s very healthy to consider ongoing abuse and the suffering it causes, as heinous.
It’s intelligence to know there are no valid excuses for causing ongoing abuse to another person.
Don’t let anyone shame you for your very normal and healthy response to ongoing abuse.

Feel free to call an abuser anything you want and don’t allow anyone to police your thoughts and feelings about abuse, or about the abuser.
And have very strong boundaries with anyone who believes otherwise.

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Love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.
You do not love someone, if you are choosing to harm them.
Love doesn’t hurt.
When you love someone – you want the best for them, you want them to be happy and you care about their needs.
And this includes all forms of abuse: emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, spiritual and physical.
This also includes: continual lying, manipulating, selfish behaviours, cheating, deceiving, gaslighting and having no remorse for harm caused.
Love – doesn’t do any of these.
Period.
I repeat – love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.

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I made the mistake of thinking I could help a heinous abuser change.
I hoped counselling for him with a psychologist who specialized in sex offenders and personality disorders, would be enough to get him to develop a conscience, develop empathy, stop being abusive…. but I was very wrong.
He didn’t want to change because he enjoys being an empty, shallow, exploitative and callous abuser.
You can’t help toxic abusers and I would NEVER suggest to anyone to try. It can make your life more unsafe and put you in danger, as it did with me.
No-one should tolerate abuse, tolerate disrespect, tolerate being treated like an object.
I deserve caring, honest, warm, kind people in my life, and I will never again settle for anything less.
And my children deserve not to be subjected to an abuser, they deserve the peace and safety we now have and a mum who is happy and thriving.

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My 10 year old and I have started doing mindfulness and relaxation meditations.

We sit on the soft rug on the floor in a quiet room and follow guided meditations from the free app Smiling Mind. It’s a great free app which he told me about – as his class had been doing some in school.

I love knowing they are teaching mindfulness and relaxation meditations in school. Such a great skill to learn when young

My son loves doing them each evening with me 💕

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😁😁😁
I’ve had braces on for the last 2 and half years and today the top ones were removed.
I love my new smile already! 😁
It feels like a victory in my healing and self care journey – in doing something that should have been done in my childhood, but wasn’t.
I decided in my 40’s it needed doing and I am really pleased with the results.
My dentist has been so supportive in my domestic violence healing journey – as she and her family suffered dv from her (police officer) father and she has a charity she runs for dv survivors.
When I get the bottom braces removed, she’s doing whitening as a gift for me!
So thankful and feel so blessed!
💜😁💜😁💜

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Suppressing trauma, dissociating from it, ignoring it, distracting attention away from it, minimizing it, avoiding emotions etc ….. none of these help healing.

In fact, long term they worsen the consequences of the trauma.

Unprocessed, unhealed trauma never goes away. It festers and is unconsciously expressed as physical illness, mental illness, relationship issues, emotional issues etc.

Suppressing, dissociating and avoiding may work short term as a coping strategy, but never long term.

Healing requires: processing the trauma, knowing the full consequences of it, figuring out all the ways it has affected the survivor, finding out how to manage the mental and physical illness consequences, honestly admitting what the survivor needs to change in terms of thinking, beliefs and behaviours.

Healing also requires grieving and that’s a painful process, that means we have to deal with uncomfortable truths and emotions.

Healing is not an easy, fun or nice process. It’s hard, painful and requires alot of self honesty.

This is why so many don’t heal. It’s too hard. Some don’t have the emotional resources for it all. Some don’t even know what is required to begin to heal.

But, I do believe every survivor can heal to their own capacity, with an understanding of what is needed.

I see too much emotional bypassing, emotion avoidance, dissociating and trauma processing avoidance being encouraged and that makes me sad – because it’s harming people more long term.

I want people to heal to their own capacity and that’s my motivation for my online work.

And that starts with saying what is required to heal and what does not help.

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I’ve stopped feeling sad and grieving about all the love, effort and kindness I wasted in a relationship with a toxic abuser…..

And I’ve started feeling excited and hopeful about how it will feel to be in a great relationship with a good, emotionally healthy man, and offer all that love, effort and kindness and…. receive it all back!

And have the relationship I always deserved.

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It’s Not All About Me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

An example…
There are survivors in their 60’s and older – who are still dealing with the effects of complex trauma.
And that’s okay.
There is no timeframe for healing from complex trauma.
I keep this in mind all the time, because the last thing any survivor needs to read – is that everyone should be able to heal fully and in X amount of time. And feel shame for not being ‘healed already’.
Why do I think about this?
Because I’m not ‘all about me’.
I care about other people, their journeys, needs and emotions.
Healing and managing symptoms can be a lifelong journey and there is no shame in that.
And people who do shame other survivors are very selfish and lack empathy – causing harm in the process.
Empathy is vital.
Empathy is about thinking of other people’s journeys and how our words and views impact others.
Empathy is about knowing other people can have life issues that greatly impact the capacity to heal, for no fault of their own.
Empathy is thinking about how my posts impact others and are they written to help, care and support others?
Being an advocate for complex trauma survivors takes empathy to truly be of assistance to others.
Empathy is about others, about the needs of others, caring about the impact of what we do – whilst also maintaining boundaries and caring for self.
There is no advocacy, without empathy.

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One red flag in a narcissistic abuser, is how they view what you do for them and how they view what they should do for you.

This will one of many red flags you can discern.

About 2 years ago, I said to the ex – that for 18 years – he expected to be told how great he is (when he’s not) and wanted continual appreciation for the bare minimum efforts he made in doing things for the family.

Yet, he showed zero appreciation for all the many huge efforts I made, which were in fact far beyond the average, including what I did for him.

When I said to him “you have never shown any appreciation for anything I do for you, never thanked me, not even one time” – his reaction was disgust. His face screwed up in disgust. He had no verbal response, including no awareness how wrong his attitude is. And that reaction was a huge red flag.

He was disgusted at the thought of having to be appreciative, or thank me for my huge efforts, for him, for our children, for our family.

That disgust is the toxic narcissistic ego that believes people are there as objects to be used and abused.

That disgust is their overwhelming sense of entitlement to have victims doing whatever the narc demands, whilst giving nothing of worth back.

It’s proof that they don’t see people as human beings with needs, feelings, emotions. It’s just all about the narc.

It’s proof they don’t see relationships as a two way street. It’s all one way – as per their exploitative and parasitic needs.

These subtle signs and red flags are not always obvious, but when you begin to dissect the relationship and reflect on all the attitudes, motivations and behaviours, you see clearly what the narcissistic abuser truly is.

They are toxic, selfish, entitled, cruel, exploitative parasites and emotional vampires, who suck the life out of you and have no remorse for the harm they cause.

And no-one deserves to be treated that way.

And yes, it’s very normal to be angry and hurt and feel disgusted and repulsed about that abuser. Because their actions and abuse were a choice. And it’s never okay to treat someone so inhumanely.

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I educate about abuse and abusers, because interpersonal trauma – abuse – is the main cause of Complex PTSD.

Abuse causes many long term issues that include the victim feeling shame, feeling defective, being vulnerable to more abuse (particularly if a child abuse survivor), re-victimisation, self blame and more.

Part of the healing process is to understand why the abuse occurred – as in truly knowing the abuse was all a reflection of the abuser’s character disturbance and not a reflection of the victim’s worth or value.

The abuse is all about the abuser’s issues and many abusers project blame and shame onto the victim.

The victim/survivor needs to heal from this by learning they were never to blame for the abuse they suffered.

The survivor also needs to learn all the red flags, in order to not be vulnerable to another toxic abuser.

This helps reduce re-victimisation and helps the survivor to engage only in healthy appropriate relationships.

I don’t educate about abusers as an act of hate towards them, I educate about abusers as an act of love for survivors.

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