Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Being Hospitalised To Deal With My Blood Pressure Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

crying

 

I have been dealing with so much over the last few months and it’s completely overwhelmed me. My depression is severe now.

I broke my hand a few months ago, due to my blood pressure issues. I went to the hospital appointments while it needed x-raying and various casts, splints. But I didn’t follow up with the OT or physiotherapy I need on it.

IΒ was also meant to have had a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours. I didn’t go to the appointment. I know that’s needed before any other heart tests can be done.

I just don’t care enough about myself to have the self care I need at the moment. I don’t care if I have heart issues or my hand doesn’t heal. I think part of me just wants to die. And another part of me is scared to find out I have heart issues.

I know I’m severely depressed, and in deep avoidance. I think a part of me has just given up.

That’s how bad things are.

And my doctor/counsellor said I am the most depressed I’ve been for several years.

So my doctor/counsellor has arranged for me to be hospitalised in order to have all the tests done within a few days, for the blood pressure, potential hearts issues. I’ll be in for possibly 4 days, maybe less.

I also need my medication increased for my depression. And this will happen while in hospital too.

I hate hospitals. My anxiety about having to be there for several days, is pretty bad. I don’t want to be away from my children. Continue reading


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My Inner Child Is Grieving – So I Bought Her This Cute Ballerina Unicorn ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

 

My inner child – is grieving.

My mother died and I recently realised I had to stop seeing my counsellor as a mother figure.

My mother dying has brought up a lot of horrible memories and emotions.

My inner child is having a very time over the stuff with my counsellor.

I feel like the 46 year old me – who is now grieving my entire life – is over everything and just wants to shut down and deal with everything alone.

And the inner child in me is desperately crying nooooooooooo….. don’t take away the only person who has acted in any way like a mother to me. I know my inner child wants to cling onto my counsellor with all her strength and might.

It’s all very confusing. And emotional. And painful.

It’s interesting – whenever I post about inner child healing, it always makes a powerful difference for others. Which is good. I know I risk ridicule and judgment when I post about having a terribly hurt inner child and buying soft toys etc. But, I share that very vulnerable part of me, because I know others feel the same pain and confusion I do. And when people see me doing my inner child stuff – it allows them to do the same with no fear of judgment from me.

I’ve only had my Instagram 2 months and I already have over 2000 followers, so I was unsure of the reaction I would receive about posting this pic of my unicorn. But, it received a really good reaction and in fact is the post with the most amount of comments.

It has a similar reaction on Twitter – with some people also feeling safe to post pics of their soft/plush toys that helps them.

I’m brave enough to post about my vulnerability, if it helps others.

Continue reading


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I Am The Text Book Case Of A Childhood Complex Trauma Survivor – Who’s Adult Relationships Were With Toxic People ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

lonely-woman

 

I’ve never had one healthy relationship with adults. My relationships from childhood onwards – have all been with unhealthy, toxic, selfish people who do not love me.

I am that classic textbook case of being a severe childhood abuse survivor – particularly being a childhood sexual abuse survivor – that goes on to have relationships with abusive, toxic people in adulthood.

Both of my marriages were with unhealthy people – both abusive, both selfish to the core. And I was so messed up by my terribly abusive childhood – I assumed they were healthy and I wrongly assumed they loved me. When both of these men only loved themselves. Narcissistic to the core.

I was given crumbs of what seemed like caring behaviours, and I assumed that was love. It was all fake, all lies, but I was so needy for kindness – I took it.

I knew nothing better.

Because I had never been shown love.

This has been in every type of relationship throughout my adult life.

I have a pattern – of accepting crumbs and thinking that’s all I deserved.

Continue reading


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“I’ve been dying…For something real… But I’ve been dying for something real” – Lana Del Rey

A song that has significant meaning to me about someone I am grieving.

Lyrics

I don’t belong in the world
That’s what it is
Something separates me from other people
Everywhere I turn
There’s something blocking my escape

It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally it’s mine
With dripping peaches
I’m camera ready
Almost all the time

But I still get lonely
And baby only then
Do I let myself recline?
Can I let go?
And let your memory dance
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line

It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real

It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally I’m fine
Past Ventura
And lenses plenty
In the white sunshine

But you still can find me
If you ask nicely
Underneath the pines
With the daisies
Feeling hazy
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line

It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real

Continue reading


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I Relate All Too Well – With Sinead O’Connor’s Painful Aloneness & Struggle Just To Stay Alive

This video is about being suicidal, so caution in viewing is required.

 

I couldn’t watch all of this. I sat with tears streaming down my face, at the pain I see in Sinead. PainΒ that I know all too well. I had to stop it halfway through, because the pain was overwhelming me. I hate to see such terrible pain in other people.

To feel like you have no-one except your doctor (or in my case my children) and feel no-one else cares about you, feel that alone, is moreΒ beyond myΒ capacity toΒ describe.

To have to live for someone else, but not want to live for yourself, I know well. Continue reading