Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

I had more courage as a child, than many adults are capable of ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The reality of my childhood, really hits me at times. Deeper understandings occur and they also explain further – why I feel so different to most people.

The courage required to survive my horrendous childhood, to survive every type of abuse of a severe level, have not one remotely decent person in my family to rely on, and the courage needed to speak up about sexual abuse, protect my sibling being abused (which was a very dangerous situation)… plus know right from wrong, have a conscience, have empathy etc….. is I guess a miracle.

The levels of courage, integrity to honesty, integrity to protecting my siblings, integrity to do what is right, amongst many adults doing heinously terrible things – all within a dangerous, highly abusive, toxic environment – is significant. And I see that significance more and more.

It really was a case of…

“In the lands of gods and monsters

I was an angel…

living in the garden of evil”

~ Land Del Rey

I think this is why I look at many grown adults – who lack courage, who can’t even be honest with themselves, can’t own their own dishonest and bad behaviours/attitudes, don’t stand up to protect vulnerable people being abused, make excuses for bad behaviour and act in such immature ways and I just shake my head in disbelief.

It seems absolutely bizarre to me. Because compared to the courage I have displayed even as a child – it does all seem quite bizarre. Which may seem harsh – but this is the reality of my life, since childhood.

It’s why honesty,  courage, standing up for people being wronged, standing up to abusers – don’t seem such a big deal to me. I’ve been doing this since childhood. 

The most painful, yet bravest thing I have ever done ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve endured significant trauma. I’ve endured abuse of every kind, to a severe level. I was heinously abused, throughout my entire childhood. It was very courageous and brave, to endure it all and still be here.

And be a compassionate person as a result.

But, the most painful thing I have ever done, was accept the truth about my mother intentionally and consciously abusing me. And knowing my mother and step father were complicit in the child sexual abuse – within their ring of sex offender, paedophile friends.

Coming to terms with this, and

no longer making excuses,

no longer minimizing or denying the truth,

is the most courageous and bravest thing

I have ever done.

It is so painful, it has nearly killed me. I have wanted to die, rather than know this reality.

It was much easier when I made excuses. When I was in denial. When I didn’t face the truth.

A hero is……

I don’t buy into the average perception of what a hero looks like, based only on physical acts of bravery.

The greatest heros in life, go unrecognised, unnoticed.

They are those who endured terrible acts of suffering, abuse, child abuse, and yet came through it, and are decent people.

My normal, my ordinary – is seen by many – as extraordinary.

As per Brene Brown – courage is in being vulnerable. And to have truth and honesty about ourselves, takes the courage to be vulnerable.

My counsellor talked about Brene Brown this week at counselling, with reference to my courage. And a friend quoted Brene Brown this week. I’ve also had numerous messages recently about my honesty and how this is considered unusual. About my work, my blogs, my capacity to stand up to dangerously toxic people. And how brave that all is. I was told by hospital staff, how brave I am to be processing all the severe childhood trauma. As well as to have survived it all.

I have to stop and remember just how much courage it takes alone, to be really honest about ourselves. To have self insight and be honest about it all. Including when we screw up and the capacity to own this fully and take responsibility. And learn from it. With no push from others. I can do this myself, due to my conscience and capacity to do what’s right. No matter how uncomfortable this feels.

I forget, I have needed to be strong, whilst vulnerable – since being a child. I needed to have deep self honesty, and deep courage – to survive all I have. Especially as a child. Every single day of my entire childhood and continuing on throughout my adulthood.

Courage, inner strength,

being honest with self

& the vulnerability required,

are not new to me.

They are all I have known.

They are my normal.

They are my ordinary.