Trust no-one.

I don’t know the point in asking people you already know you can’t trust, for the truth. There is no point. It’s simply provoking more lies and dishonesty, you know is coming. It’s like an act of self harm.

I think the truly bizarre part, is me expecting anything from anyone. When my life has repeatedly shown me people lie, cover their arses and do what is best for themselves, at the expense of others. And when they have actually stated that is what they believe everyone will do when the shit hits the fan, why would I even assume they are to be trusted.

No-one to trust….. a painful wound, that keeps on bleeding.

There are needs that are vital to any hope of complex trauma survivors healing. One of these, is trusting relationships.

There are complex trauma survivors, who actually have no-one in their life, they can trust. And this is not a cognitive distortion, caused by trauma……. is a fact.

Abuse/child abuse survivors often end up in unhealthy relationships, with immature, selfish, dishonest people, who are not truth worthy. There are understandable psychological reasons for this. When there are children to consider, the situation is not an easy one to deal with. If you don’t have children, it is far easier to make decisions on whether to end these relationships.

Dealing with trauma and abuse, leads to isolation and losing ‘friends’ etc. This happens to many.

When ‘family’ are abusers, they cannot be trusted. And often continue to harm the complex trauma survivor, or the relationship becomes no contact.

Counsellors can have agenda’s and other priorities, that mean their complex trauma client’s needs are not met. And many complex trauma survivors have had bad experienced with therapists and will not reach out again.

Experts in complex trauma, say the trauma is only healed by being in trustworthy, healthy relationships. But that is not always possible, or the reality of what occurs, for many.

Trust issues, continue to cause isolation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am aware I have huge trust issues. I don’t consider people ‘bad’ if I don’t trust them. I just need to protect myself. With good reason. I’m aware I also do give people chances, but once I decide they are no longer trustworthy, that is that.

I’ve brought this up in counselling and I explained as best I could that due to things that were not helpful or okay that have been said, I have trust issues. The trust issues, are based in considerable fear. Fear of being hurt anymore. Fear of being abused. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of many things.

Severe, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, does this to you. And is very valid. Abnormal life experiences, mean someone sees life differently – due to the greater/deeper experiences endured…… to those who have led more average lives. And when it involves past and more recent trauma by church people, issues within my marriage….. that fear of trust, keeps going.

If I could focus on trauma just being within the first half of my life, it might be easier. But, my trauma history, has been throughout my entire life. And by many people. I also realise, due to having to process the extent and depth of severity of my trauma history – which is more trauma …. I am in survival mode. And that creates greater issues with trust, fear, withdrawing – all those things that I have needed to deal with, to survive.

Clients want to know how much a therapist ‘cares’, more than how much they understand.

This was a tweet by Mick Cooper, who is a psychologist and professor at a university.

This is a subject many don’t want to raise. But, I will.

Frankly, I cannot trust anyone who I do not believe actually genuinely cares about me. And unless they make that it very clear they do, that barrier will always be there.

Therapists, have their own physical and emotional boundaries and they need them. And that’s okay. But, this does not help complex trauma survivors, who already have such deep trust wounds.

I had some kind of bond with my therapist. And I know I have forced myself to no longer have this, for several reasons.  I have forced myself to disconnect from that, and issues that arose, have led to that.

Therapists should not shut down a complex trauma survivor.

Safety and trust, are the two biggest issues of any complex trauma survivor.

In order for a complex trauma survivor to feel ‘safe enough’ in therapy – they need to know they are being listened to, are being allowed to speak, are being allowed to express all their needed emotions.

As Pete Walker wrote in his book – when you add anything around the subject of compassion for abusers, forgiveness for abusers, too soon in the therapy, it will destroy that survivors trust and deeply harm their healing. Much work is to be done before these subjects should even be raised.

I will also add to this – if a counsellor tells a survivor they are wrong with how they feel about abusers, wrong in how they are trying to deal with their emotions about their abusers (in my case labelling, educating myself about personality disorders), patronises, demeans, rejects their views/thoughts  – that will destroy any trust and safety they need and harm their healing.

Complex trauma survivors have had their emotions, needs and feelings shut down continually by the abusers. So when a therapist also repeats this, the damage will be great. It will destroy any trust, as the survivor will feel unsafe.

Therapists need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves, until the survivor has dealt with all their emotions. Yes, help them deal with emotions safely, but do not create barriers to them expressing their emotions.

You don’t help a complex trauma survivor, by mirroring what the abusers did

To heal severe complex trauma, you need to be in safe, healing relationships. I don’t have this.

I’m not in safe relationships. I am not in a safe relationship in my marriage, or in counselling. Both for different reasons, but the bottom line is I am not safe. And I don’t have anyone else.

My life is fear, anxiety, vigilance, depression, grieving, dissociation, aloneness, every day. I am not healing.

When the glimmer of hope, is gone.

Denial, lies…. always the choice of those lacking in self insight and lacking in any integrity, empathy, or capacity for honesty.

I guess I had a glimmer of hope that there would be some recognition of the truth in a current situation.

But, now that is gone.

More lies, more denial.

As hard as this will be for me, I have to not respond, because I will just be harming myself more.

Why would I trust anyone?

I know not to trust anyone.

Because everyone hurts you and lets you down.

Most people wear masks of who they really are and I can see beyond that mask.

Most people don’t live their lives completely honest with everything out there, as I do.

Why I will never trust a human being. Because I see what is in the core of human behaviour.

My discernment and insight skills are pretty deep. I actually wish they weren’t, but that’s one of the outcomes of all the abuse I have endured in my life, due to the survival need of vigilance.

People mostly act from their own needs and then project that outwards.

I’ve even realised this is what my counsellor does. She has this need to be a ‘good Christian’, and be nice/compassionate to everyone, so in order to make that possible, she has formulated a set of her own needs/views to be able to deal with abusive people….. and then projects that onto others.

She ‘needs’ – for herself, to deal with abusers and abuse as ‘neutral’. She doesn’t want to see abusers as ‘bad’ people, because she has to be nice to them. So the self needy easy road, is to view them as neutral.

And she has projected that onto me……….. which is nothing to do with ‘my’ needs……. it’s ‘her’ own issues.

She shamed me into believing ‘her’ needs are wise, and to see abusive relationships as adequate. Even though that is such bad advice to give to me. But, her needs and views were paramount above the needs of her client. Not intentionally, but never-the-less, that’s the bottom line.

People have this ‘self-driven’ behaviour all the time and then can justify their own needs – as compassion, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

And I don’t think this makes someone a bad person, but humanity is selfish and acts from own needs.

But, this is why I will never trust anyone.

No-one can be trusted.

I don’t trust my counsellor.

I don’t trust anyone.

I will remain alone for the rest of my life, because I know not to trust humanity.

This gets proven to me, over and over.

A woman can only feel comfortable with a man she feels safe with, trusts & knows genuinely cares.

This applies to intelligent women., who understand what a healthy relationships is meant to be and feel like.

If you don’t feel safe with your partner, you can’t trust them and your partner is not your friend and doesn’t care about you, then you are in an unhealthy relationship.