I’ve had the abuse & suffering I’ve endured – minimized all my life. I don’t tolerate it anymore.

Having severe, prolonged and repeated abuse/trauma endured – minimized and invalidated by others, is something I have endured all my life.

People who generalise trauma as the same, or minimize child sexual abuse, or compare trauma endured as an adult – to trauma endured as a child etc… simply do not know what they are talking about. They often have selfish and self serving reasons to do this and willingly shame people in the process.

‘Generalising’ and ‘minimizing’ are cognitive distortions I see are familiar within abuse/mental health industry and advocacy field. They shame, re-traumatise and invalidate those who have suffered to greater levels.

There is a very true saying “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and most are full of shit”. So true.

Most opinions are lacking in education, lacking in knowledge, lacking in empathy, lacking in insight.

So thankful for support from such esteemed professionals.

Tweeted on 10th July 2015.

It helps me to know I am on the right track, when such valued professionals in the field, encourage my work.

Invalidation by mental health professionals, makes life worse.

I was just reading how many mental health professionals invalidate narcissistic abuse survivors. In fact, they can actually gaslight victims more, by this belief that we should ‘look within’ – and invalidating the suffering and abuse….rather than validating the abuse, and the suffering caused to us.

I see this very clearly happening. It’s happening in my own counselling.

I had to email my counsellor a while back asking her why she has ‘never’ said to me that I did not deserve all the abuse I had in the first 20 years of my life. Why she had failed in over 2 years of therapy, to ever say it was never my fault, I didn’t deserve it etc. It is pretty obvious to me, that after all the abuse I have endured, I need to hear those words. And my counsellor is a smart woman, so why doesn’t she say them?

I know part of the reason with my counsellor, is she is so hell-bent on protecting abusers feelings/emotions. As so many church people do. They often want to protect abusers, and do so at the cost of the emotional wellbeing of the victims. They can’t bring themselves or have the empathy needed, to say what victims need to hear…. because they fear saying anything ‘bad’ about the abusers, makes them bad Christians.

I think many church people are brainwashed in this way and fail victims of abuse continually.

At my last counselling session, I talked, or attempted to talk about the shame I feel about all the grooming abuse. Again, at no point did she offer any words of validation or support, that the shame is ‘not mine to feel’. Or the shame I feel has only occurred because of what was intentionally done to me. That the shame is actually the abusers shame. Nothing validating along those lines, was said.

The most effective way to destroy someone, deny the truth of their history, and all the abuse.

Denying the truth of the suffering caused and felt….. minimizing, excusing, rationalising, unbelief…… destroys people.

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Some lovely feedback, that reflects what I try to do with my calling/passion.

This was posted today onto my Facebook page. I have removed the name for privacy reasons.

Validation, empathy, kindness, being a light…… is what I am aim to do.

It helps when I know I achieve that.

I don’t have ‘depression’ – I have suppressed deep pain/hurt/anger & considerable intense grieving.

I have been through hell and I am not going to minimize that for the comfort of others. I need to deal with my past fully and yet there are obstacles to do that.

I am only too aware of the damage that suppressing and minimizing trauma causes. And yet I am still suppressing my emotions about the first 20 years of my life. I am suppressing them, and internalising it into depression, because I have no-one in my life who can help me deal with it. And I realise I cannot do that on my own.

I am aware I need to talk it through and express every bit of pain, hurt, anger, disgust, betrayal – with someone who is actually listening. Someone who does not invalidate and minimize that. Someone who doesn’t project their own opinions …. rejecting my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the process.

If I want to have sheer disgust at what was done to me and about those who enjoyed harming me – I will.

Too many therapists are pushing abuse victims to feel compassion for abusers, and harming the victims healing.

Many therapists are far too ‘opinionated’ and lack insight into complex trauma, and are there just to push their views and their own agenda’s. It is well known that therapists can be ego seekers and they push their own opinions, regardless of how that harms their clients. And too many therapists have big ego’s and work outside of their own capacity of insight and needed understanding of complex trauma.

I just read of a survivor who fired her therapist who kept on defending the clients narc mother, yet never even asked what the mother had done and didn’t even know details of the abuse. So the survivor hadn’t dealt with her emotions either.

So wrong and so damaging.

How dare that therapist demand that survivor dismiss the suffering caused and invalidate the survivors needed  emotions, grieving etc.

Everyone deserves equal compassion, but not all trauma and suffering is equal.

It has become socially demanded, that society view all trauma as equal and all suffering all equal. Which is not what trauma experts, sociologists, or neuroscientists say at all.

But many people like to give opinions that is simply that – an opinion, often for self motivated reasons.

It is a deep lack of empathy and a complete lack of understanding how different trauma affects the brain and psyche, to suggest all trauma is equal.

You cannot compare a one time short lived trauma in adulthood, to severe ongoing child abuse.

You cannot compare a one time sexual assault to an adult, to years of incest/rape to a child.

You cannot compare a car crash survivor/medical trauma victim… to a survivor of severe child abuse, severe complex trauma, severe interpersonal trauma.

“All parents just do their best”. Bullshit. Some intentionally harm and abuse their children.

I hate that expression ‘all parents just do their best’. Just read this on Twitter, and it’s really upset me.

So wrong and completely minimizes child abuse and makes excuses for abusers.

My ‘parents’ did not fucking ‘try their best’ at all.

They intentionally harmed me, daily. They knew what they were doing was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it and made me keep quiet about it.

I hate abuse being minimized, justified and excused.

Really, really upsets me, and I know this attitude upsets others.

And I know people who make these statements don’t mean to cause harm, but they do.

I am no longer allowing anyone to invalidate my emotions.

This is my blog and here is my ‘safer’ place to write about how I feel, all my emotions and what I am enduring. And I do this here, in a very real, genuine, honest and transparent way.

Any comments invalidating or minimizing my emotions and journey, are deleted.

It has taken me 43 years, to be able to allow my emotions and feelings and I do that now.

I am allowed to grieve – as this is a very necessary and massive part of healing.

Grieving as much trauma/abuse as I have endured – takes time and is very painful.

If it takes me years to get to a good place, then that is how my healing journey is meant to be.