It’s all in slow motion.

It’s my little boys birthday tomorrow. Today, I went with my husband, to buy his presents and cards. My husband bought breakfast and coffee for us. He’s worried about me. He knows I’m not okay.

Throughout the whole day, it’s been as though I were out of my body, looking at myself. I could hear noises, voices, but they were muted. It’s all in slow motion.

Wow, my counsellor refers to ‘mental health’ as the ‘dark side’.

I just started listening to a recorded conference talk, by my counsellor. It was for a youth ministry.

In it she talks about being a general doctor and being interested more in mental health, so referred to this as being a “family doctor, who then went to the dark side” … mental health.

Referring to all mental health as ‘the dark side’. Wow.

I can understand referring to some areas of mental health as the dark side…. like paedophiles, psychopaths, sociopaths etc.

But, ‘all’ mental health?

I wish I had never survived my first suicide attempt.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to live with the reality of my life – both what happened in the past and my life now.

My reality is, I don’t have what I need to heal. I don’t have a caring supportive partner. I don’t have people in my life who care about me. I don’t have counselling where I feel safe to talk. I am very aware complex trauma is only healed by having safe, trusting relationships. And I don’t have that.

I give up. I accept this is it.