Being real, is being honest. I don’t like fake.

For a long time, I have been aware of the falseness of the ‘positivity fountains’, who demand we all do the same. It basically promotes being fake. And I don’t do fake.

I would rather someone tell me all their problems and be honest, than fake a smile and fake being positive.

A lot of advice is given about only being around ‘positive people’. And this advice is given by many mental health professionals. Yet, it promotes the very thing I hate – being fake.

Most people have some level of shit going on. Yet fake smiles, fake words, fake their life on social media.

And when you fake positivity, you are not dealing with the issues you have, and worse, you are never dealing with the reasons for those issues. So, it is such a hypocritical statement for mental health professionals to make ‘be around positive people only’. So all of those being real, who have issues and are not faking a smile, get ignored.

And I’m not suggesting we walk around in tears telling every person we come across our woes. I mean those who are friends and loved ones.

I don’t like fake. It’s dishonesty at it’s root. I don’t like dishonesty. And I can often work out those who are faking it.

And it promotes shame in people who think they have to fake being positive and can’t maintain it. They feel like failures and shamed by the positivity fountains.

People say being positive is strength, and shame people who are not positive. They shame people for being real and honest, whilst being fake and dishonest. Bizarre.

I haven’t felt this angry for a long time.

I am really angry. Really pissed off. I haven’t felt this angry for a long time. I’m shaking, I’m that angry.

And I’m mostly angry at myself, for tolerating other people’s BS for as long as I do.

 

 

There’s zero trust in people who minimize/trivialise abuse.

I have come to understand, just how many people make excuses for people who intentionally abuse others. Excuses are made, the abuse is minimized, the affects of the abuse are ignored. And a whole range of cognitive distortions, applied.

I think counsellors who deal with abusers – minimize the abuse and harm caused to their victims, to make their jobs easier to deal with. They justify it as ‘compassion’, but it isn’t. Anything that is a lie, is not compassion. And where minimizing, excusing, justifying, trivialising, blaming the victim in some way etc happens, there is no honesty and there is NO compassion or empathy being shown to the victim.

And worse, it shames the victim. And that is more abuse.

It’s really painful when abuse is minimized & trivialised.

I’ve had this happen all my life. Everyone who has abused me and treated me badly, has lied about it, made excuses, minimized it, blamed me etc. And those around them, do the exactly the same.

I’ve spent my entire life, having to deal with the pain – that minimizing and trivialising ongoing intentional abuse/harm, causes. And seeing people making excuses for abusers, who have consciously and intentionally caused a lot of harm.

I’m over my past being dragged into it. My past has nothing to do with why toxic people, cause harm. That’s their issues. I am not tolerating my past being the scapegoat – to excuse their lies/deception/manipulation…. when they were like they are, way before I was part of their life.

It’s a weird place to be, having more insight into people, than they do of themselves.

I’ve had it confirmed many times within counselling, I have a depth of insight and capacity to work people out, that is very unusual.

I’ve also had it confirmed I often know and understand people, their motivations, their issues…. more than most people, will ever understand of themselves.

It’s a weird place to be in. Especially when you see why people are doing something, and it’s for not the reason they will say it’s about. Or they are struggling, because they are not facing something about themselves. Or they are blaming others, for issues that are really their own.

It’s a weird place to be in when you know people are not being honest, with themselves, or with others.

It’s a weird place be in, when you cannot express any of this to people, because they will be upset, or offended, or defensive. As most people don’t want to know the truth about themselves. And it’s not my place or job, to tell people.

It’s a weird place to be.

And the way I deal with this, is to have a lot of self control… to not speak about what I see. And knowing it’s not my responsibility, to tell people the truth, unless they ask for it. And if they do…. trying to be sensitive and careful, in what I say. And trying to only speak, when I know it may help and in a way that will have a positive affect.

I don’t speak up in situations, where I know there is going to be a highly defensive reaction, and the person will not ‘hear’ what I am saying, at all. I don’t say things that are truthful but really hurtful, just for the sake of being truthful. There has to be some good reason, why I speak up.

It has to be to help that person. Not just to vent. I will ask myself first “Is this compassionate towards this person? Do they really need to hear it? Is this my place to say something? How can I say this in a way that it will help them?”. Often I keep quiet.

I wish I could invent ‘Narc Be Gone’. But as I can’t…

Discussed in counselling today, more about why selfish, manipulative, exploitative people, are attracted to me. There are many reasons, including my empathy they pick up on, how I fall for their sob stories, how I fall for their lies etc.

I have the capacity to see myself, outside of myself and reflect on my interactions with people, why I stand out in a group – due my sense of humour, my capacity to make people laugh, and these why emotional vampires see me as easy prey. It’s happened so many times in my life. And I need it to stop.

If I could invent ‘Narc Be Gone’ and spray it around me like a force field that repels them away from me, I would.

 

Throughout my life, I have had labels given to me, because I am different to your average person. And I accept I am different. Labels like kooky, quirky, endearing, intense, special. The ‘special’ label, bothers me and this has been something said, by some of the worst abusers I have encountered. The paedophile, psychopath, narc pastor….. all called me special. What they really meant, was they saw me as easy prey, for a variety of reasons. Including vulnerability, my soft boundaries, my need to have connections with people who can be like family to me. My need to seek love, which sadly for several decades, was all in wrong places, with all the wrong people.

Even many of the people I have connected with as friends, have been selfish people who just use others for their own needs. I am someone who gives, who listens, who cares, who checks up on people, remembers what they tell me, thinks about what they need. And they see me purely as someone who will fit with their selfish needs, become their special friend, and feed them all their needs. Whilst they give nothing back.

My children are back at school & I need the peace & quiet.

My children started back at school today, after 6 weeks of the summer holidays. My children enjoyed their holidays. We did lots of great stuff, they had lots of fun, and some rest, which I believe is necessary.

I have enjoyed the school holidays too………. but I have also missed having regular peace and quiet during the day. I am aware not to feel guilty about this.

My children had a great school holidays and they need to go to school. And I have PTSD, so I have an increased need for time alone and avoiding stress. And even the increased noise of children – increases my PTSD symptoms. Which I managed really well, throughout the 6 weeks.

So today, I am trying to not to allow myself to feel guilty about enjoying the peace and quiet. I’m not going to tell myself that I am a bad mother, for being absolutely okay with my children being back in school.

I will not feel guilty.

I will try not to feel guilty.

I do feel a little guilty.

Okay… I will try to be okay with knowing on one level

There is no shame in being a victim.

As an advocate against victim shaming, I see very clearly the word ‘victim’ – when related to abuse, is seen by many to be ‘shameful’.

Even the phrase ‘don’t be a victim’ – perpetuated in the mental health/illness field – is shaming victims. Psychologists, counsellors etc – all too often shame victims and buy into this victim shaming damage, due to not having the insight and empathy, to see the damage it causes.

Victims of abuse, perpetuate this shaming. Demanding they are not victims, they are survivors, or some other phrase. The reality is – we are victims, and the consequences of being a victim, continue on long past the actual abusive event(s).

To demand the term ‘victim’ is not used or applied, is shaming in itself.

Great feedback, shows I am on the right track.

I care whether my website and all I write and share, helps people in an appropriate healthy, productive way. This includes whether it is real, validating, informative, awareness raising, educational etc.

When I have feedback – I think about the type of feedback. I’m not interested in feedback that says people think I’m great/amazing etc. I’m not in this, to stroke my ego. If I was, I wouldn’t be so controversial. I don’t say what I think people want to hear. I say what people need to hear, that will help them in their journey.

This feedback I received today, shows I am achieving what I aimed for

‘A comprehensive website, where people can gain

considerable info, from one site’.

This is why I collated info from different sources, different trauma experts. To collate relevant info, in one place.