People who speak about kindness, respect, empathy, compassion for adults, but not children.

There are a lot of opinions about respect, compassion, kindness, empathy. For adults. But, what is bizarre to me, is some of the people giving advice about this…. do not show this, within their own homes, to their children.

I believe children should be treated with the same behaviours and attitudes, adults expect and demand.

This includes hitting people. Hit an adult and that is classed as assault, or domestic violence.

Hit a child, and this is twisted into ‘discipline’. How hypocritical. And shallow. *sigh.

I’ve always known this. I was doubting myself for a while., when an abusive, toxic church were inflicting their mind control about discipline needing to involve hitting, belting children. And inflicting pain on babies. Their evil attitudes, even extending to ‘disciplining’ babies, through pain and fear. Their abusive and toxic attitudes, were displayed in many others ways, and this simply clarified how toxic the church is.

But, my own conscience, empathy, capacity for understanding what is right and wrong, soon knew, they were twisting Bible verses, to suit their abusive mindsets.

How can anyone really say it is okay to hit a child, but not an adult?

It’s worse to hit a vulnerable child. It affects their growing brain and psyche. They have no capacity to stop the person hitting them. The person hitting them – their parent – is teaching them physical pain equals love. Which is wrong. And further abuse.  It is an act of violence.

http://theconversation.com/yes-physically-disciplining-kids-is-an-act-of-violence-31425

It is 100% possible to discipline children, without hitting them. I know, because I am successfully raising my boys, without hitting them. And they are normal, well behaved, respectful children, doing well in school.

And my children have the capacity for empathy……. because they are modelled and shown empathy and respect.

It takes more effort and more self control, but my children are worth it. I love them enough, to put in the extra effort needed.

‘A profound realization’ that spanking is domestic violence.

Today, I wrote a comment about spanking (on an anti-spanking organisation page) – being a ‘complete lack of empathy and that adults expect not to be hit, but justify hitting their children and that abuse – which spanking is – is domestic violence’.

The reply back was ‘what a profound realization, that spanking is domestic violence’.

I don’t see this as profound. It’s common sense to me. I extend to my children the same interactions and dignity, I expect for myself. I don’t want to be hit, so I extend this same attitude/dignity/compassion, to my children.

But, in a world where many children are abused every day, in ways considered ‘normal parenting’ – like spanking, being called derogatory names, yelled at, belittled, shamed, punished in all manner of ways etc….. it would seem the way I view spanking, is considered profound.

Scientific evidence – spanking/hitting children damages their development.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131211103958.htm#.Vo3w0WYIqao.facebook

This article I read today, from the Facebook page of Bessel van der Kolk – a leading trauma expert, who is very educated and insightful, into child abuse, childhood trauma and the long term affects on the adult survivor, the child becomes.

As an anti-child abuse advocate, I promote the non use of hitting children, as it is known to cause long term mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. And this continues to effect the child survivor, when they become an adult. It also damages the growing immature brain, which is not fully formed, until adulthood.

I also see clearly, people who choose to hit their children, lack empathy. Adults expect not to be hit, and if they are – it is deemed rightly to be assault, or domestic violence if cause by a family member. Hitting a child is NO different.

Children should be given the same respect and dignity, adults expect.

It is always interesting to me, as to the maturity of an adult, who believes they know more all the experts in child development, parenting, neuroscience and child psychology. I’m always amazed that people can believe they know better, and continue hitting their children.

Dogs have more rights to not be hit/abused, than children.

Wisdom on why people believe it is okay to abuse/hit their children…

“I never see any comments that say ‘my mom never lifted a finger against me and I wish she had’.

It’s always “my parents hit/beat me and I’m alright, so the next generation should feel that too” which translates to me as..

“my painful childhood memories need to be validated through repetition – so that I don’t have to face the reality that I was abused”

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Child abuse ie the bizarre cognitively distorted thinking ‘I have a right to hit a child, but not an adult’ – is generational abuse, caused by fear and denial, that is validated and encouraged by the majority.

It is also proven by neuroscience those who have strong conservative views, who are often those who believe in physical discipline to children, within and outside of Christianity……..either have a lack of empathy/EQ, and/or lack of IQ, plus have sociopathic traits. They hit their children for their own needs of venting anger, enjoy hitting their children….even if they don’t admit it.

‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ – allegorical meaning, not literal.

http://gracethrufaith.com/topical-studies/tough-questions-answered/spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child/

I’ve always known this Bible verse was not meant in a literal meaning. I just knew. Jesus’ spirit.

I remember telling the pastor (who later abused me) when I first started church 5 years ago, that I believed what I had read that the rod – was meant for guiding and leading, not to hit.

He disagreed of course. He likes abuse and feels very entitled to abuse.

Alice Miller quote that sums up many child abuser church people’s issue.

It is quite pathetic how many church people run with the Bible verses they feel enabled them to abuse their children, yet don’t want to consider their children require the same amount of respect as adults.

And show them any evidence from psychology, or neuroscience that proves spanking, belting etc is abuse, and this occurs…

Or they are simply sociopathic/narcissistic, lacking in empathy, lacking in conscience, lacking in remorse – looking for ways to abuse and get away with it.

Cognitive Dissonance, I realise this is a huge society & Christianity issue.

Perfect example = spanking.

Masses of evidence to prove this is abuse, damaging to a child physically, mentally, emotionally, proof in psychology, in neuroscience and no evidence to support it as an appropriate discipline method.

Yet, many will say ‘well it was done to me and I’m okay’.

And Christians will cling to a few Bible verses, misinterpreted, or literally interpreted – when they weren’t meant to be, and keep on abusing their children. Selective Bible verse abuse of sociopathic/narcissistic church attenders.

Following a conversation with a Christian mental health professional, who agreed that 90% of people – Christians included, need therapy, I would also say 90% of people have cognitive distortions, like cognitive dissonance.

Although for many who are such big fans of spanking and taking belts to children/teenagers, there will also be other mental health factors, like sociopath traits, narcissism etc. They ‘like’ using harsh physical discipline and have no empathy. And they will all keep fooling themselves and enable each other and sucking others into the evil of child abuse.

I see why abusive church people will hate Alice Miller’s work. I find it very insightful.

I asked my doctor, who is a Christian if she knew of Alice Miller’s work and she said not. Considering Alice Miller is well known in the psychology world, that interested me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)

Alice Miller believes in the seriousness of abuse by parents, and strongly believes hitting children and various other forms of abuse that many church people encourage, is abuse and I absolutely agree. She also believes the ‘honour thy father and mother’ – ‘even if they are abusive’ aspects of church/child abuse perpetrated, to condone abuse that I clearly see occurring, to be abuse.

My view is that ‘honour thy father and mother’ in terms of what God requires of us, is ‘if’ the father and mother act the way parents should – by not ‘abusing’ their children.

Much shame is forced upon Christians by enforcing ignoring and accepting abuse of all kinds and much is condoned within churches and I do NOT in any way condone this. It is disgusting and nothing to do with God, at all.

In her writings, Miller is careful to clarify that by “abuse” she does not only mean physical violence or sexual abuse, she is also concerned with a much more insidious form of abuse: psychological abuse perpetrated by one or both parents on their child; this is insidious because the difficulty of identifying and dealing with it lies in the fact that the abused person is likely to conceal it from themselves and may never be aware of it until some dramatic event, or the onset of depression, requires it to be treated. Miller blamed psychologically abusive parents for the majority of neuroses and psychoses.

She maintained that all instances of mental illness, addiction, crime and cultism were ultimately caused by suppressed rage and pain as a result of subconscious childhood trauma that was not resolved emotionally, assisted by a helper, which she came to term an “enlightened witness.”

In all cultures, “sparing the parents is our supreme law,” wrote Miller. Even psychiatrists, psychoanalysts and clinical psychologists were unconsciously afraid to blame parents for the mental disorders of their clients, she contended. According to Miller, mental health professionals were also creatures of the poisonous pedagogy internalized in their own childhood.

This explained why the command “Honor thy parents” was one of the main targets in Miller’s school of psychology. – Wikipedia.

A few reasons why too many N. P. Baptist Church men, are children, in adult bodies…

During the time myself and my family attended this unhealthy church, many things occurred that made me feel like I was ‘in school’, dealing with teenagers.

Two things I noted, which were big childish activities, the ‘inner crowd’ were heavily into;

1) Super hero’s. Many of the men were obsessed with them and facebook messages would go around often – super hero related. Immature. Much.

2) They hold men only ‘video gaming’ nights. Not for the teenagers, for the ‘men’. Grown men, in their 30’s, 40’s. In the church. For men to get together and have fun. Immature. Much. My husband went once and was very uncomfortable, as he is actually a ‘man’, not a man-child.

This is also a church that believes women need to ‘know their place’. There are no women ‘allowed’ to be involved in church business. No women elders/deacons. The associate pastors wife, deliberately makes women feel guilty for working outside of the home. (Clearly hasn’t read Proverbs 31). Made me feel guilty for providing child care ‘in’ my home. To inflate her own ego and sense of importance. Highly judgmental. Bullying.

Guilt/shame inflicting and bullying, being a big driving force within this church.

This church also believes in harsh physical abuse to children. They claim it is ‘discipline’. An elders wife herself telling me her husband uses a belt on his teenage children. The associate pastor and his wife, displaying physical abuse in front of me and encouraging it in others, continually. Smacking babies, children, forcing little children/toddlers into daily ‘alone time’, letting babies cry and scream themselves to sleep etc – all forms of abuse, are encouraged and people are considered to be ‘bad parents’ if they do not do the same.

And the associate pastor spiritually abused me, with grooming with sexual intent. All covered up, lied about and a pathetic in-house investigation I have proof (and support about), was used to further abuse me. The senior pastor condoning and enabling all this to protect his ‘mate’.

All these behaviours and attitudes are forms of narcissism and sociopathic traits.