I don’t really understand what has just happened to me…but it is huge.

I have been sat here thinking about psychosis and what is must be like to do something horrible and then find out afterwards, have no memory, and have to live with that for the rest of your life. And how terrible that is, for all concerned. And I have compassion for this.

Then, I suddenly had this – well I don’t know what it is – of thinking about everyone with mental illness. I do believe every action committed by a person, is about psychology. We eat because we have a need to eat, so our brain tells us when we are hungry etc.

Anyone with a mental illness has psychology, that is not how the brain is designed to think. I have PTSD, so my brain makes me re-experience trauma, and it is horrible. It makes me have anxiety. I have complex trauma symptoms of fear of trust/abandonment, to the point where I can feel suicidal etc.

I am able to know, what I have, and that if I could, I would wipe all my childhood, wipe all trauma, any genetic issues I have, and have a healthier mind that does not feel anxiety, does not have trauma repeating etc.

No-one with a healthy mind, will want to have a mental health disorder, or any unhealthy mind stuff/issues, lack of empathy, narcissistic traits, anything. Those with depression, will want it gone and whatever caused it. This applies to abusive people. If they were ‘able’ to think in a healthy way – they would not want their unhealthy mind, whether it be sociopathic disorder, psychopath, paedophile etc.

If they were ‘capable’ of thinking with a healthy mind – they would not choose the disorder they have, but their minds are so unhealthy – they think what they have is okay. A paedophile knows what he is doing is wrong, but wants to do it anyway. Which is a really messed up unhealthy mind/brain stuff. If he was suddenly ‘fixed’ and had a healthy mind, and knew what he had done and the hurt caused and had empathy – he would be devastated – as any normal person would – have huge remorse and deep distress.

Research on psychosis. And a lesson, to quit my ‘opinions’, when I don’t know enough…

I wasn’t aware PTSD, could have psychosis. Not common but possible.

And severe depression is one of the more primary disorders, where psychosis can occur.

I am aware that psychosis means there is a complete loss of reality, and behaviours can occur that would not be normal behaviours for that person. Sometimes extreme behaviours. Including violence.

This is new to me, and just shows, as I always say, I definitely do not know it all, by far, but I will find out and keep learning.

A mother has recently been found guilty of infanticide, and let off jail time. My first thought – wow, how can she get off killing her child and disabling another one! Crap bloody legal system!

Hmmmmmm me and my un-educated opinion, which I fully admit to and don’t justify. Honest, I am.

Having done my research on what came from the court hearing, was apparently it could have been psychosis caused by postpartum psychosis.

If this is the case, and this is not her normal kind of behaviour at all, then I feel deeply sorry for this woman. To know you have killed your own baby and severely disabled another and live with that for the rest of your life, so deeply distressing and I do feel for this woman. I cant imagine what it must be like to have a lapse in time, not remember anything and find out you have done this to your children. No wonder she is reported to have deep self hatred and visits the grave every day. If it was psychosis then what a terribly sad situation and I feel a lot of compassion for this mother. It makes me want to cry.

Is psychosis provable? In hindsight – after the situation has occurred? I don’t know.

There is also the case of the military guy who shot people in Fort Hood. He had possible PTSD and a possible brain injury. It could have been psychosis, but there is no proof. ‘If’ it was psychosis and he was not normally an aggressive man, again I feel deeply compassionate for him. To live with that, is horrific.

Song lyrics….Does Anyone See Her.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I have always needed to hear expression through poetry and song lyrics. Just to know someone, understands who I am.

I wrote one today.

‘Does Anyone See Her’

(Verse)
Does anyone see, who she really is
Her real soul, the one who cries
Hurt and betrayal caused over and over
Each time, more fragile soul dies

(Chorus)
Does anybody see
Past the I’m okay, the forced smile
Does anyone hear
Her sad, fearful inner child
Does anyone see
Into those beautiful, sad eyes
Does anyone know
Her secrets and pain, deep inside

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Children really suffering, on the streets of Nepal. Suffering I can’t even imagine.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

http://www.child-nepal.com/?page_id=281

Doing some research on street children in Nepal, is so heartbreaking.

These children, already on the street due to either abuse, running away from orphanages, violence at home, losing parents to illness & HIV, and end up on the streets, with no-one except each other.

They are considered scum by their society, they are hated, abused and tortured by the police and trust no-one.

This breaks my heart. No child should ever have to live a life like this. Especially when you consider all the wealth in the world, in rich countries.

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Sunrise Orphange in Nepal – Founded By An Australian Woman.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I have great respect for women like Emma Taylor and those who work with her, providing a legitimate orphanage for children in need.

http://www.scai.org.au/

SCAI-Brochure

http://carryforkids.org/schools-and-orphanages/nepal/sunrise-orphanage-kathmandu

In February 2004 Emma Taylor a young Australian woman traveled to Nepal and volunteered in a local orphanage. Emma soon realized the orphanage like so many, was nothing more than a scam at the expense of the children. Emma then joined forces with volunteers Michaela Killips, Sarah Kemp and local Nepalese friends to establish a quality home for children called ‘Sunrise Orphanage’. Here the children would be provided with a safe, loving home where their interests were the number one priority.

Since 1996 over 13,000 people have been killed due the conflict in Nepal between the Communist Party Of Nepal (Maoists) and the Royal Administration. Through this conflict, the poor economy, lack of health care, welfare support, and education, many children have become innocent…

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As the betrayal/hurt/harm continued, the wounds increased to full on isolation.

Isolation, distrust of people in general, avoidance.

I know why I do this – it’s a protection against getting hurt. Born of decades of abuse, from too many people, including all the important people in my life.

I would be stupid to not have a protection system…right.

I have steadily increased in this need. Every time I’ve been hurt – it’s worsened this, and now it’s at the point where I don’t even want to think about it, it is that painful.

I’m afraid of getting hurt, particularly after all the hurt also caused within the last 2 years, from more people I trusted. I’m aware how much all that has affected my healing process and capacity to see society as not ‘dangerous’.

Any amount of hurt now, is too much. Irrational? No – not when you consider the amount of severe trauma and abuse I have been through.

The amount of betrayal I have felt in my life, is significant. And it also like a double whammy of knowing – none of them give a shit – they don’t care how much damage they have all caused. Why would they, I was nothing but prey, to them. And I love them all.

Hurts. Painfully. Deeply.

I am aware that my isolating, my fear of church, my opinion of Christianity – is deeply affected by the last 2 years of my life and all the abuse and harm caused in it.

My isolating, is a life preserving need as I told my doctor – because people’s behaviour can be life threatening to me. I have been hurt too much. The cost is too high.