I protect my vulnerability and fragility, fiercely.
I am aware, this means I don’t trust people.
I am aware when people show me anything that signals as a red flag, I shut down and they become someone who resides on the list of people I cannot be vulnerable with.
So far, everyone is on that list.
I am also aware, due to human weakness we all have, everyone I meet, will always end up on that list.
My trust issues…..are also huge issues and barriers, for my healing process.
I am such a weird person, I know.
I have received so much validation from professionals now about my insight. Plus, I read things that blow me away, because they are exactly what I have worked out myself. Like today, about forgiveness, and about Robin Williams’ childhood.
I get that my insight and capacity to work things out, are pretty deep. Profound, some have said. I’m not sure about that, but I do know it continues to develop, as I continue to process the hell of all the abuse I have endured.
So, why is it always still a surprise, to hear this?
I feel like I want to say “Really? Are you sure you believe that about me? Are you sure you don’t just want to say, wow you are so messed up?”
I guess, I just still deep down still don’t believe that I have this gift, and I know intellectually – it is a gift to be able to process this intensely complex psychological healing journey, of complex trauma.
It’s like the validation loading, seen in this pic, is stuck and not fully loaded into my brain yet.
Maybe, my brain does not have the wiring necessary for this full ‘loading’, like my incapacity to feel happiness and joy for myself.
I know I need to get all this into a book and I will.
I cannot believe when reading this today, that this is EXACTLY what I have been blogging about!!! Exactly!!!
I do NOT believe that you can even entertain the concept of forgiveness, until you have fully processed and fully grieved, the horrific trauma, and all the severe emotions that come with being abused by parents and those we love(d).
And this is exactly why religious people in particular, damage people’s healing, and abuse people further, with their forced forgiveness. And I see that VERY clearly and why they need to shut up!
Wow!! it is amazing, how much Pete Walker and I are on the same page, when it comes to complex trauma.
From Pete Walkers Website @ http://www.pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm
Forgiveness – Begins With The Self
There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate “guidance” put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover.
Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive. This is because premature forgiving intentions mimic the defenses of denial and repression. They keep unprocessed feelings of anger and hurt about childhood unfairnesses out of awareness.
Real forgiveness is quite distinct from premature forgiveness. It is almost always a byproduct of effective grieving and no amount of thought, intention or belief can bring it into being without a descension into the feeling realms. Conversely, cognitive and philosophical structures unreceptive to the possibility of forgiveness, sometimes block the access to forging feelings, even when such feelings are present. It might be that the most healthy cognitive position concerning forgiveness is an attitude that allows the possibility of its occurrence on the other side of extensive grieving.
This attitude will work best if it includes the condition that feelings of forgiveness will not be forced or falsely invoked to cover up any unresolved feelings of hurt or anger. In this vein, it is also especially important to note that certain types of abuse are so extreme and damaging to the victim that forgiveness may simply not be an option. Examples of this include sociopathy, conscious cruelty, and many forms of scapegoating and parental incest.
I have picked up some viral thing going round. Feel pretty sick, so taken some paracetamol and drinking fluids etc.
I also had a horrible dream last night about paedophiles. It wasn’t a re-experiencing one. But obviously trauma related. I woke up feeling fear and anxiety, even though the dream was not about my own past stuff.
It was about a really young child, aged about 3, and sometimes I wonder if these types of dreams are related to more abuse I may have suffered, that I have blocked out.
I choose not to believe dreams, as accuracy for memories, unless they are memories I have always had. I know which ones absolutely happened. But I also accept there is likely to be more. I have gaps of missing memory before the age of 7’ish. Continue reading
I guessed there would be abuse from Robin Williams’ childhood. There usually is, when someone is suffering through their life and has suicidal thoughts.
This is from Wikipedia, so not entirely sure of it’s accuracy, but as with many who suffer mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts, often this is due to childhood abuse.
Williams described himself as a quiet child whose first imitation was of his grandmother to his mother. He did not overcome his shyness until he became involved with his high school drama department. Williams attended public elementary school at Gorton Elementary School (now Gorton Community Center) and middle school at Deer Path Junior High School (now Deer Path Middle School), both in Lake Forest, Illinois. His young friends recall him as being very funny. When Williams was in seventh grade in the fall of 1963, his father was transferred to Detroit, so the family moved to a 40-room farm house in suburban Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, where he was a student at the private Detroit Country Day School. He excelled in school and became president of the class. He was on the school’s soccer team and wrestling team. In middle school, Williams was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors. He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him. Williams spent much of his time alone in the family’s large home, playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers.
Williams’s father was away much of the time and, when he was home, Williams found him “frightening”. His mother worked too, leaving Williams to be attended to by the maids they employed. Williams claimed his upbringing left him with an acute fear of abandonment and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.” Continue reading