So weary from a lifetime of horrendous nightmares.

43 years of abuse and a life time of nightmares, keeping me locked in the pain of my past.

‘Leave it in the past’ people say.

Yeah sure, would love to, please let me know when you have a miracle cure to stop my brain involuntarily making me re-experiencing horrendous abuse.

PTSD is so fucking cruel.

I really don’t want to remember being forced from the age of 9, to perform sexual acts, having my child body being violated, by an old man paedophile.

Sia and Howard Stern interview. Made me cry.

I love how honest and real Sia is. She has also stated on Twitter, she had Bipolar 2 and PTSD.

I teared up when listening to her in tears about Howard Stern talking about her wanting to end her life, and calling her a diamond in the sky now shining and saying she is special.

I relate to her, even though we have very different lives. I didn’t know she had a bad childhood, but I suspected it. There is so much about how real and raw she is that I relate to deeply.

Many in society will say Sia doesn’t have the right ‘society boundaries’ – as I have also been accused of.

But, you know, I would rather have someone like Sia as a friend, who is real, honest and says it exactly as it is, than someone who holds back, presents a mask and I know they are not upfront about who they really are.

I love how real she is. Even if she say things that will shock others. She doesn’t shock me. I find it very refreshing to hear someone so honest about herself, good and bad. Takes courage.

Example of Complex PTSD & shame. And why I share as much as I do.

Complex PTSD and Shame…..one example I struggle with…

You know you have suffered complex trauma and have Complex PTSD when… You have sent an apology message to someone important in your life, who you have been emotional and overstepped boundaries with…

The shame starts setting in. And panic….. And then the ‘waiting for the response’ – feels like ‘punishment’.

When in all reality it isn’t, there could be many reasons for a delay in a response, including – why should they respond quickly? They are under no obligation to do so. I am not the centre of their life, in any way. And I don’t expect to be.

But, the stress and shame builds anyway. Emotional flashbacks, to being punished in childhood and made to feel shame, instead of empathy, no doubt.

Then you start thinking of all the many different outcomes – so you can be prepared for whatever may come – to protect yourself, and of course think of really bad outcomes, and the stress of that builds even more…

It is *very* frustrating, being able to see, what others cannot.

It is frustrating when you can see through into people’s heart’s – good and bad, and pick up on all the traits that show whether someone is lying, narcissistic, manipulative, devious, non genuine etc….

AND NO-ONE ELSE CAN!!!

And then hear what other people think and know they are being fooled.

And it is even more bloody frustrating when I know a situation is going to end badly AND NO-ONE WILL LISTEN, OR LISTENED WHEN I TOLD THEM!!!

My previous counsellor told me she knows how frustrating this is for me. It was good to have that validation.

The human ego is a perilous critter… Some ‘ego’ quotes I wrote – Lilly Hope Lucario

“The human ego is a perilous and pesky critter to deal with. Feed it too much and you create a monster.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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“You don’t heal from abuse, by developing an ego.

That is simply creating poor mental health that will never bring peace, as it will be a lifelong need to find more people willing to stroke that ego.

And continual disappointment and hurt, when someone refuses to comply.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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~~~ Why I do this ~~~ By Lilly Hope Lucario ~~~

I write because I must, as a survivor who can use what was meant for evil, for good.

I write because it is part of my healing and to share my journey, helps others.

I write because I know suffering over prolonged periods of time, I know being suicidal, I know deep invalidation, I know deep aloneness, I know betrayal, I know deep prolonged fear, I know having no-one in your life who cares, I know having no-one in your life who understands you, I know having no-one in your life you can trust, or rely on. And my heart breaks for others who know this too.

As someone who has endured all forms of abuse, to a severe level, I write and blog to help as many survivors as I can.

I write about complex trauma, child abuse, child sexual abuse, adult sexual abuse, rape, emotional, psychological, mental, verbal, physical, spiritual abuse. I have suffered all these.

Abuse from narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, in a non religious environment and within churches. I’ve endured them all.

I write about Complex PTSD, PTSD, depression and ‘abuse/trauma induced’ mental health, because I have these.

I have a massive amount of ‘experience’ as an abuse victim and survivor.

Four decades of abuse. 10+ abusers. Abuse from birth.

I am real, honest, raw, have considerable research knowledge and also have considerable insight into all of this, and this has been recognised and validated by mental health professionals and….

Notably, by Pete Walker – a man with great insight into complex trauma – see http://www.pete-walker.com/ . Pete has given me permission to use his work and commended me on my work.